This week a hapless reader, Tom, has fallen for his sexy housemate. Should he act on it? If so, how? Never fear, Uncle Jamie is here!
Dear Uncle Jamie,
I’ve broken the age-old rule and made the classic mistake of falling for my housemate. It wasn’t intentional but there are only so many pairs of Agent Provocateur black, lacy thongs neatly drying in the living room that a man can resist (I refuse to believe the off-white granny pants are hers and as for the jockstrap…I live in fear).
What should I do about it Uncle Jamie? I’m not sure I can hold off any longer but I don’t know how to broach the topic. Should I subtly place strategic Love Hearts in her food or should I make a more grandiose gesture and wait in her bed, with Lionel Richie crooning ‘Hello, is it me you’re looking for?’ in the background, until she comes home?
P.S She likes surprises.
Congratulations. You’ve beaten the first stage: denial. However, the trials and tribulations of close-to-home romances are all too well documented (think Ross and Rachel, Romeo and Juliet, Jay and Vicky (Geordie Shore for the less cultured amongst you)).
Your predicament is a agonizing one- keep shtum and your inner longing will grow ever more painful (in a process scientifically known as Blue Balls); but to confess is to risk making things awkward and scaring her off – although you may well have already done that through your blatant fascination with her underwear (I pray you haven’t taken to stealing/sniffing them).
In this instance I can only suggest a more nuanced approach aimed at countering your physical desire whilst also indulging her passion for the unexpected.
It may seem a little drastic but if I were you, dear reader, I would subtly substitute your unrequiting lover’s shampoo for one of those hair removal creams we see incessantly advertised (e.g. ‘give your boyfriend the gift he really wants this Valentine’s Day: a hairless snatch’).
This way, as she delights in the hilarity of your practical joke, you are finally relieved of your physical longings. Unless, that is, you dig the Vin Diesel look (in which case I suggest you seek medical advice).