College characters: The Socialite

Brigit Hirsch asks if you have what it takes to be the next social climber

From across Front Square, you recognise that familiar Trinity Halls face. At prinks last night, you two had a great, lager-fuelled chat about an economics lecture that you share. In light of that chit-chat, you smile and wave at the Socialite, whose eyes pass blankly over your face. The Socialite walks by you, surrounded by an inordinate number of friends. 

The Socialite has an impeccable sartorial elegance. While the masses frequent charity shops, the Socialite treads above them in giant Balenciagas and a double-barrelled surname. The everyday look of the Socialite may be derived from any mannequin in the Sports and Leisure section of Brown Thomas. When the occasion arises, the Socialite displays a breadth and depth of knowledge about the most recent fashion week runways, and you have to blink twice to make sure the Socialite doesn’t work at Vogue. However, when the Socialite decides to party, wearing tracksuits and dressing like the lower classes appeals to the ‘je ne sais quoi’ of their fashion identity (and indeed, of their lifestyle). 

“The Socialite organises, campaigns, and climbs their way to the top.”

The journey of the Socialite often starts at Mount Anville, Alex and Loreto. But it begins earnestly in Trinity Halls. The Socialite attends all the prinks, parties, events, and society meetings. They’re in all the group chats and if there is something going down, you best believe they know about it. Presumably, the Socialite’s charm and wit and cash attract a following, and from there, the path is direct. The Socialite chooses a big, juicy society to infiltrate, probably the Law Soc. With an entourage of lightly-tanned, legally blonde freshers in tow, the Socialite organises, campaigns, and climbs their way to the top. 

The Socialite is a dangerous creature when crossed, but a useful ally and friend. If you have no desire to rise through the ranks of the SU or a society committee, then the safest option is to weep silently about how the Socialite blanked you in Front Square. After that, you may scuttle back to the smaller, but no less lovable, society clique to which you belong. There are some mountains which only Socialites should tackle. After all, at the end of the day, Socialites are just social climbers. All talk, no walk. With that in mind, dig into your full-sized can of Pringles. Life is good.

“Truly, it is all about who you know.”

If you yourself are an aspiring Socialite, befriending one is a good first step. Observe the wardrobe, the attitude, the movements of the Socialite. Trinity News does not condone stalking. However, once you have learned to walk the Socialite walk and talk the Socialite talk, and once you have secured the necessary connections, you may need to cut ties with those who helped you climb your own mountain. A true Socialite has many friends but few confidants; the Socialite walks this earth alone. Eventually, the Socialite will land an absurdly well-paid, cushy job in a law firm, which happens to be the place where Dad’s close friend from university is a partner. Truly, it is all about who you know. Good luck, aspiring Socialites.

Brigit Hirsch

Brigit Hirsch is the current Social Media Editor of Trinity News.