It’s finally happened, the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Trinity College Dublin’s SU has followed the footsteps of literally every other university in the 21st century and installed a free condom dispenser for its students. The excitement is palpable.
Because we know this has you on the edge of your seats, Trinity News is live from the scene of the crime, interviewing the dispenser’s first lucky users. We ask them the million dollar question – how many condoms have they taken for their future copulation.
Bríd, from Mayo, first year Biology:
I really didn’t know how many to take, so I took 10 – that’ll do me for at least three times, right? Mammy always told me to be careful. Me and my boyfriend Peadar “Double Dutch” stay safe by putting on two at a time – but now that they’re free here, I think we will up it to three. Gotta stay safe!
Ferdia, from Blackrock College (insisted on giving his school rather than area), second year BESS:
I swiped HALF the johnnies from that box, isn’t this outraaaaaageous??? The bords [“birds”] in Flannery’s don’t stand a chance, now that I’m loaded with these free cock socks. More cash to spend on jagers with the BMs!!!
Poppy, From Wexford, third year Theology and Muslim Studies:
Yeah man, I didn’t take any. I just don’t really believe in that kind of stuff. I don’t use any form of contraception, it doesn’t feel authentic. I like sex to be passionate, raw, romantic, you know? That’s why my boyfriend pulls out instead.
Simon, From Longford, Computer Science:
Oh God, yeah. Condoms. I’ve taken… Like a load. For all my sex. Yep. All of the sex. I’m just like you, having sex. *Interview cut short as Simon’s mom starts calling and he rushes to pick up*
Provost of Trinity, who wishes to remain anonymous:
Of course I didn’t take any – this “free” contraception just goes to show that Take Back Trinity has gone too far. We will be forced to raise our on-campus rent by 4%, just to cover the costs of your sexual endeavours. I hope you’re all happy.