If you have ever wished for a wise agony aunt at your disposal to satisfy every query you have ever had about sex and relationships, look no further than Lalala Let Me Explain. An ex-social worker turned anonymous online sex and relationships educator, her Instagram account @lalalaletmexplain has amassed over 230,000 followers. Lala uses this platform to offer both expert and anecdotal advice on sex and dating based on her many years of personal and professional experience.
Earlier this year, Lala published her long-awaited debut book. An accumulation of her best advice, Block, Delete, Move on, works as a mantra she often encourages her followers to live by, should they encounter ghosting or red flags. Many older individuals over the last year have commented on her Instagram posts, exclaiming that having read this book in their young adulthood would have saved them years of guilt, confusion, and heartbreak over their sex and dating lives.
With much to gain from the experiences and advice in the book, here are the four greatest lessons to be learned from, Block, Delete, Move On.
Lesson Number One: Beware of Limerence.
Beginning with one of the most important issues, Lala draws attention to the psychological state of limerence, an extreme sense of romantic addiction. By definition, it is an all-consuming obsession and intense infatuation toward an identified potential romantic partner. It goes beyond feelings of an exciting buzz when meeting someone new and feeling extremely excited to see them again, or checking your phone to see if they’ve replied to your texts.
Limerence is an intoxicating, unquenchable addiction to the feeling of falling head over heels in love. Lala warns that if this psychological state is left unchecked, it can become highly detrimental to one’s mental state.
A limerent episode may include obsessively ruminating about the other person, constantly bringing them up in conversation despite their irrelevance to the original topic, checking all their socials on the hour, and even travelling to locations where you have encountered them before in the hopes they might be there.
“Lala greatly emphasises that we must always remind ourselves to only engage in sexual activity we are eagerly excited about, and we must never simply go along with our partner’s requests just to make them happy…”
Sometimes, when in these types of situations, we may find ourselves disregarding our own emotions and boundaries to please the other person at any cost. For sex, this could look like eagerly wanting to satisfy your partner’s sexual fantasies, without first consulting your own desires for compatibility. Lala greatly emphasises that we must always remind ourselves to only engage in sexual activity we are eagerly excited about, and we must never simply go along with our partner’s requests just to make them happy, especially where there is potential for danger, such as choking. This point leads to our next:
Lesson Number Two: Sex is for you too, not just for your partner.
In her book, Lala quotes qualitative studies which indicate that cishet women who date cishet men report having internalised feelings that sex is for the man, and women are there to facilitate their pleasure. She states that mainstream pornography has exacerbated this feeling.
To combat this, Lala states that we must prioritise our own pleasure in every sexual encounter. According to a study conducted by Durex, the orgasm gap for cishet couples is very evident, with 95% of straight men reporting always or usually climaxing during sex — compared to just 60% of straight women. This should never have become a norm. Good sex is about both parties having a great time, not just one.
“Going into every sexual experience, your own pleasure should be a priority and never an afterthought.”
Discussions with your partner around desires, preferences, and boundaries are crucial to closing this gap. Attitudes must be changed. Going into every sexual experience, your own pleasure should be a priority and never an afterthought. At the very least, the person you are sleeping with should want to please you and meet your needs as well as their own. If not? Remember to block, delete, move on. Leave selfish lovers in your past.
Lesson Number Three: Having high standards will help you avoid unpleasant experiences.
The second lesson taught us that we must run and never look back on partners who have no regard for our sexual pleasure in relationships. Yet in her book, Lala states that the best case scenario is to try and identify potential unfulfilling partners before even entering the bedroom. This comes from having high standards and sticking to them as a form of self-care.
“Two or more pink flags become red, meaning it’s best to avoid them.”
For example, Lala recommends keeping tabs on your potential partner’s pink and red flags. For those unaware, red flags are total deal breakers, where it is best to immediately cease all communications and block, delete, and move on. Pink flags however are certain behaviours we should take note of that could be harmless but should be treated with caution, such as being an inconsistent texter. Two or more pink flags become red, meaning it’s best to avoid them.
Secondly, being aware of your preferences and desires will inform your high standards. This is applicable to love languages. Knowing what category your personal way of showing love falls into can oftentimes be your biggest clue to compatibility in a relationship. Whilst it’s not uncommon that two differing love languages can thrive in a sexual or committed relationship, it can lead to unenjoyable sex if your love language is physical touch and your partner is adamant that they aren’t a ‘touchy’ person. The same applies if someone who prefers words of affirmation is paired with a partner who finds compliments or verbal expressions of love to be cringe. Reaching an agreement on expressions of love can halt a potentially disappointing experience in its tracks before it reaches the bedroom.
Lastly, it can be an uncomfortable topic in the early dating stages, but having mature and open conversations about past sexual experiences and current desires is the most efficient way to filter out incompatibility and avoid wasting precious time on unfulfilling experiences.
Lesson Number Four: Attachment styles are the cheat code for casual sex.
Knowing your attachment style will give you a great indication of your relationship with casual sex. If you have an avoidant or secure attachment style and are not easily manipulated by your emotions, theoretically, you are more emotionally equipped to handle casual sex. On the other hand, those who have an anxious attachment style may tend to be ruled by their emotions and be hypersensitive to others’ actions with a tendency to internalise them. Perhaps you may wish to proceed into casual sex with caution. Lala summarises this chapter by advising that you should not engage in casual sex if you don’t want to be treated casually by the person you are sleeping with. If casual sex isn’t your thing, you do not have to keep up with your peers or feel like your youth is wasted. We must do what is best for us.
Block, Delete, Move on is a bible for dating and sex advice in the 21st century. Whether you are in a committed relationship or newly single, Lala has answers to every question you may have been too embarrassed to ask. She empowers readers in their sexuality and encourages us to live our best sex-positive lives.