Mam says “GO TO YOUR EFFING LECTURES”
Meaning: Go to your lectures this Hilary Term. Yes, you’re starting to grow lethargic and you’re tired of being told what to do but here’s the thing; you don’t have to go to all of them. Even one of them will do, just so you remember you have that module. This advice is both for myself and those like me who find themselves caught up in a chill lunch that just happened to run two hours over what you planned because you were discussing your mate’s friend’s mates’ love life, and that lecture couldn’t be that important, right? Actually, you just missed the one on the functionality of humankind but, oh no, you realise you really can’t function and you are humankind, and will you ever be able to function? Oh no. Oh. No.
Mam says: “DO YOUR EFFING WORK”
Meaning: “Ah man, we don’t need to do anything. Remember how last term we did nothing and it was fine, like?” No. I repeat, no. NO. The 24-hour library is like childbirth. You’ll drink at least seven cups of coffee whilst writing that essay, but guess what you forgot? Your water just broke but they lock the 24-hour bathroom between the hours of 6am and 9am. You may just pray you don’t fall down the stairs of the Museum Building in the pitch black whilst trying to find a bathroom you’ve only ever mythically heard of. Since the 24-hour also secretes the same amnesia hormones as childbirth, you’ll think it’s a great idea, as you always do, to leave those 6000 words until the last three days before they’re due, instinctively chanting “sure it’s pure grand, like” to anyone who dares ask you about your progress. Like all the other times, it’s not pure grand like. Not sleeping for 72 hours is never pure grand like, and is in fact a mode of torture commonly used on prisoners of war. You are not a prisoner of war, you are a college student. Do yourself a favour. Start your work a week earlier than you normally would.
Mam says: “YOUR EFFING EXAMS ARE COMING UP”
Meaning: “Exams are ages away, like. That right there is a problem for future me.” It just happens that every May, present me hates past me so very much. I strongly suggest that this time you make life easy for yourself. We have over three months before any of the exam madness starts. Be an Ussher kid. Start doing little half hours here and there between classes and meetups, and the mountain you’ll be facing in May will seem a lot less daunting. Revision and essays are all about overcoming that initial hurdle in your brain that says you can’t do it. It’s the same one that has us procrastinating for hours on the cricket pitch – and loathing ourselves for it.
Mam says: “WHAT’S AN EFFING AGM?”
Meaning: The term of elections and AGMs has come. Forget everything you just learnt about college life. Come March, the faces of all those B.N.O.C.s you just managed to learn are going to be ousted from their place in Trinity’s society life. With the many committees, organisations and conglomerates in Trinity, it can be hard to keep track. Like Debasish Mridha once said, “Everything is transient [so be an O.C.M.]” I find that the best course of action here is to be exceptionally laissez-faire. Avert your gaze from campaigners, wear sunglasses in the Arts Block if you must, and when you’re eventually forced to go to that one AGM for your mate’s friend, bring your vice of choice to get you through – be it coffee, Zelda, or vodka. In the end, think of what your mam would say if you were getting all worked up about losing out on being the secretary of the Holographic Kite Society. Honestly, she would probably be devastated, because holographic kites are cool.
Mam says: “YOU CAN EFFING TURN IT ROUND”
Meaning: Hey, so maybe first term wasn’t the best. Freshers’ flu became superbug season, and that lab report wasn’t your crowning achievement. The great thing about Hilary term is having the opportunity to turn it all around. It’s a bit like the American Dream — a second chance at redemption. Anything can happen in Hilary term. Watch the grass grow greener and listen to the sounds of cans being cracked open by the swarms of students on the cricket pitch. You can, and will, turn it around. Have a can, but maybe just bring that lab report with you too.