University Times implicated in doping scandal following annual football match

The controversy came to light following a football match with Trinity News this evening

The University Times has been involved in a widespread doping scandal, sources have revealed. At least 20 members of the SU newsletter are believed to have been involved, in a secret report compiled by the SU itself.

The revelation comes after the UT ended their humiliating six-year submission to Ireland’s oldest and most successful student newspaper, Trinity News, in the foreign game of soccer today. The UT, also known as massive Tory-voting Brits, cheated their way to a 11-10 win.

In documents compiled by Dillon Hennessy and leaked by a the UT rat, comprehensive EPO programmes for each performing monkey the UT has brainwashed were disguised as tactics for the match.

TN led for most of the match, with the UT finally catching up much later – which coincidentally accurately reflects their news coverage.

Speaking to Trinity News, Dominic McGrath, Editor-elect of the tabloid newspaper said: “Eh look I don’t know what you’re talking about. You can’t do this to us, I’ll report you to Kieran McNulty. We’ve won some Eastern European award for our editorial board, you can’t touch us anymore.”

Supreme overlord, Edmund Heaphy, who is entering his 56th year of College said: “I don’t know if you know, but I’m actually a Grade 8 drug user, I can organise widespread doping.”

The doping scandal is believed to have Trinity College Dublin Students’ Union (TCDSU) support, with both Education Officer Dale Whelehan, Chair of the Electoral Commission Jenna Clarke-Molloy and at least two-thirds of Union Forum present in the UT fan stands.

Niamh Lynch

Niamh was Editor of the 65th volume of Trinity News. She is a History and Politics graduate.