Dóibh siúd atá croíbhriste maidir leis an caillteanas de dhuine éigin speisialta is féidir go
mothaíonn ceiliúrtha na Nollag fíor mí-oiriúnach. Is buille brúidiúil é an sonas agus t-
aineolas lúcháireach na ndaoine atá ag ceiliúradh. Is cuimhin liom an chéad Nollaig tar éis
bás mo mháthar; Is cuimhin liom an ciúnas a bhí i gceannas ar an teach, an pian a tharla de
bharr í a bheith as láthair ag an mbord. Uaireanta n’fheadar conas a d’éirigh liom saoire a
cheiliúradh nuair ní raibh an duine a thug isteach sa domhan mé ina chuid de a thuilleadh.
Tá blianta caite ó chaill mé í, ach thug mé faoi deara go dtugtar tús áite do bhrú le bheith
sásta fiú má tá tú ag fáil bháis de bharr bróin. Mar sin, conas a dhéileálann duine? Ba mhian
liom go mbeadh a fhios agam sna blianta tosaigh sin go bhfuil sé ceart go leor a bheith
croíbhriste i rith na Nollag agus go bhfuil an oiread sin daoine ag déileáil le cailliúint duine is
breá leo ag an am seo den bhliain. Ón dromchla dfhéadfadh sé cosúil go bhfuil gach duine
thart timpeall ort sásta timpeallaithe ag cairde agus teaghlaigh, ach geallaim duit go
mothaíonn formhór mór na ndaoine aonair scoite amach. Tréigthe acu siúd a fuair bás
fágtar iad ina ndiaidh chun aghaidh sona fhéile a choinneáil suas. Ba mhian liom go mbeadh
a fhios agam blianta ó shin nach raibh aon bhealach ceart nó mícheart le déileáil, go
dteastaíonn cineálacha cur chuige éagsúla do dhaoine éagsúla; déileálfaidh cuid acu go
díreach tríd an gcaillteanas a admháil agus a n-asláithreacht a urramú agus maireann daoine
eile ó chur chuige níos uaisle, trí aire a thabhairt dóibh féin, trí am a ghlacadh le machnamh
a dhéanamh, le seachaint agus le leigheas.
Má bhraitheann tú go bhfuil tú in ann cur chuige díreach a ghlacadh, smaoineamh álainn é
litir a scríobh do do mhairbh nó b’fhéidir bronntanas a thabhairt dóibh. Lá Nollag is féidir
leat é a fhágáil ansin ag a n-uaigh nó mar mhalairt air sin is féidir leat é a thabhairt áit éigin a
raibh grá acu dó. Is féidir leat é seo a dhéanamh leat féin nó duine éigin a thabhairt leat
chun tacú leat. Is féidir go mbeadh sé deacair traidisiún na mbronntanas a bhriseadh má tá
sé déanta agat le blianta le duine, ar an mbealach seo is féidir leat an traidisiún a choinneáil
beo. B’fhéidir go raibh áit ab fhearr leo le dul, scannán ab fhearr le féachaint air nó béile le
déanamh, é a dhéanamh dóibh, onóir cad a dhéanfadh siad dá mbeidís in éineacht leat
inniu.
Ag caint ar thraidisiún, i mo theaghlach tá cleachtas téamh croí againn nuair a leagaimid
pláta breise ag dinnéar oíche Nollag chun ár mairbh a onóir chun cuireadh a thabhairt dóibh
a bheith linn ag an mbéile. Ina dhiaidh sin fágaimid gach rud ar an mbord ionas gur féidir
leo ‘freastal orthu féin’ ar feadh na hoíche. Is breá liom an traidisiún seo mar tuigim go
ngoilleann sé an mothúchán pianmhar sin i do bhrollach a thagann as cathaoir fholamh agus
mata boird a fheiceáil ag an mbord. Athraíonn sé na bríonna leithlisithe agus galrachta a
cheanglaímid go minic leis an mbás le cumainn mhealltacha na huilechuimsitheachta agus
an ghrá.
Níl an straitéis láimhseála seo díreach ná indíreach, is féidir leat é a dhéanamh ina n-aonar,
le cairde nó le teaghlaigh, le balla nó fiú le peataí ach tá sé ríthábhachtach labhairt, labhairt,
labhairt. Is cuimhin liom an chéad chúpla bliain i ndiaidh bhás mo mháthar, mhothaigh an
bás i bhfad ró-tabú ar ábhar le tabhairt suas gan trácht ar an Nollaig. Mhothaigh sé beagnach mídhleathach ligean don ghalracht a bheith ann in aontíos leis an áthas. Is cuimhin liom a chreidiúint mura raibh aon rud dearfach le rá agam go raibh mé níos fearr as gan labhairt. Ní féidir liom tosú a chur in iúl cé chomh míshláintiúil é seo. Cuir tús leis an gcomhrá. Labhair faoi na dea-uair, na hamanna go dona, cuimhní cinn greannmhar, agus smaointe uafásacha; níl aon chomhrá as teorainneacha. Beidh ionadh ort cé chomh toilteanach atá daoine éisteacht agus an compord a thagann nuair a roinnfidh siad a n-eispéiris phearsanta leat. Ní gá duit dul i mbun comhrá éadomhain chun daoine eile a shásamh, abair cad atá ar d’intinn.
Lig duit féin a bheith ag caoineadh, cibé an bhfuair siad bás 10 lá ó shin nó 10 mbliana ó shin
tá do bhrón bailí, níl aon dáta éaga aige. Uaireanta nuair a tharla an bás le déanaí bíonn
muid sáraithe le braistint ollmhór freagrachta as ‘tú féin a choinneáil le chéile’ ag leanúint ar
aghaidh le traidisiúin a chothú agus le spiorad na Nollag a choinneáil beo. Ní hé an Nollaig
an tosaíocht sa chás seo, is é déileáil agus ceangal. Ní gá duit do bhrón a bhailíochtú d’aon
duine, tá sé pearsanta agus is leatsa é.
Tóg spás más gá duit. Má tá cur chuige díreach ró-phianmhar, ná bíodh céasadh den sórt sin
ort féin. B’fhéidir nach bhfuil an fuinneamh agat labhairt nó fiú bogadh. Tóg an t-am sin le
bheith díreach. Ná mothaigh ciontach as am a chaitheamh leat féin, ná inis duit féin gur
cheart duit mothú nó iompar ar bhealach difriúil. Cuimhnigh, áfach, ná déan tú féin a aonrú
go hiomlán, is é an t-aon bhealach amach as rud éigin ná dul tríd. Tóg do spás ach aithnigh
go mbeidh tacaíocht daoine eile uait freisin. Cé go ndéanfaidh an fonn imeacht iarracht smacht a fháil, ná maraigh do chaidrimh agus do naisc, dírigh orthu siúd atá fós beo leat inniu.
Tabhair cead neamhchoinníollach duit féin chun mothú go barántúil; a chaoineadh, a
screadaíl, a bheith gan mhothú, ní gá duit tosach sona a chur suas díreach toisc an Nollaig a
bheith ann. Déan cibé rud a theastaíonn uait a fháil le linn na Nollag. Téigh ag rith le ceol
ard, luí ar an tolg le teaghlach nó cairde agus caoin agus tú ag breathnú ar scannáin, más gá
duit a dhícheangal go hiomlán agus dearmad a dhéanamh air ar feadh lá amháin, déan sin,
más mian leat an lá a chaitheamh le duine speisialta atá caillte agat is rogha é sin freisin.
Iontaobhas d’iomas, má bhraitheann sé go bhfuil tú in ann do mhothúcháin agus do
ghníomhartha a bhainistiú ní féidir leis a bheith mícheart.
Níl an chaoi a ndéileálann tú le brón ábhartha ach ná déan neamhaird de. Lig do dhaoine
eile tacaíocht a thabhairt duit agus foghlaim cad atá uait chun do mhothúcháin a bhainistiú
agus dul i ngleic le tráma. Caithfidh daoine áirithe glacadh leis an ócáid agus é a chaitheamh
ar an ngrá atá caillte acu agus caithfidh daoine eile dearmad a dhéanamh air ar feadh an lae
agus a bheith lán seachartha. Glac le cibé acu a oibríonn duit chun dul tríd an séasúr. Ná
pionós a ghearradh ort féin, ná bréag duit féin, ná cuir mothúcháin i bhfeidhm. Mothaigh,
anáil, agus déan teagmháil le daoine eile.
Nollaig shona duit, nollag soláimhsithe duit.
As Bearla/ In English
Grief, the unwanted gift
For those who are mourning or grieving the loss of a loved one, Christmas celebrations can
feel ridiculously inappropriate. The merriness and joyful ignorance of those celebrating are
a seasonal slap across the face. I remember the first Christmas after the death of my
mother; I remember the silence that roared through the house, the agony brought on by
her absence at the table. Sometimes I wonder how I managed to celebrate a holiday when
the person who brought me into the world was no longer part of it. Years have passed since
I lost her, but I’ve noticed how a brutal pressure to be positive and ‘merry’ lingers even if
you are suffocating from grief. So how does one cope? I wish I knew those first few years
that it’s okay to be heartbroken over the holidays and that so many people are dealing with
the loss of their beloved at this time of year. From the surface it may seem like everyone
around you is content, surrounded by friends and family, but I promise you that a vast
majority of individuals feel isolated. Abandoned by those who have passed on they are left
behind to keep up a poignantly pathetic festive facade. I wish I knew years ago that there
was no right or wrong way to cope, that different approaches are required for different
people; some will cope directly by acknowledging the loss and honoring their absence, while
others survive from a gentler approach by looking after themselves, taking time to reflect,
distract and heal.
If you feel capable of taking a direct approach, a beautiful idea is to write your loved one a
letter or possibly make them a gift. On Christmas day you can then leave it at their grave or
alternatively you can bring it somewhere they loved. You can do this alone or bring
somebody to support you. It can be hard to break the tradition of gift giving if you’ve done
it for years with someone, this way you can keep the tradition alive. do Maybe they had a
favourite spot to go, a favourite movie to watch or meal to make, do it for them, honour
what they would do if they were with you today.
Speaking of tradition, in my household we have a heart-warming practice where on
Christmas eve to honour our dead we set an extra plate at dinner to invite them to join us at
the meal. Afterwards we leave everything on the table so they can ‘help themselves’
throughout the night. I love this tradition because I find that it dulls that aching feeling in
your chest that comes from seeing an empty chair and placemat at the table. It transforms
the connotations of isolation and morbidity that we often associate with death to appealing
associations of inclusion and love.
This coping strategy is neither direct nor indirect, you can do it alone, with friends or family,
with a wall or even with a pet I but it’s vital to talk, talk, talk. I remember the first couple of years after my mother’s passing, death felt far too taboo of a topic to bring up let alone to discuss at Christmas. It nearly felt illegal to allow the morbid co-exist with the merry. I remember believing if I didn’t have anything positive to say I was better off not speaking. I can’t begin to express how unhealthy this is. Start the conversation. Talk about the good times, the bad times, funny memories, and terrible thoughts; no conversation is off limits. You will be surprised how willing people are to listen and the comfort that comes when they
share their personal experiences with you. You don’t have to engage in shallow conversation to please others, say what’s on your mind.
Allow yourself to mourn, whether they passed away 10 days ago or 10 years ago your grief
is valid, it has no expiration date. Sometimes when the passing is recent, we are overcome
with a massive sense of responsibility to ‘keep yourself together’ continuing to fuel
traditions and keep the Christmas spirit alive. Christmas is not the priority in this situation,
coping and connection is. You don’t have to validate your grief to anyone, it’s personal and
belongs to you.
Take space if you need. If direct approaches are too painful then don’t subject yourself to
such torture. Maybe you don’t have the energy to speak or even to move. Take that time
to just be. Don’t feel guilty for embracing alone time, don’t tell yourself that you should feel
or behave differently. Mind however that you don’t completely isolate yourself, the only
way out of something is to go through it. Take your space but recognise that you
additionally will need the support of others. Although the temptation to disappear will try
and dominate, don’t kill your relationships and connections, focus on those who are still
alive with you today.
Gift yourself unconditional permission to authentically feel; to cry, to scream, to be numb,
you don’t have to put up a happy front just because its Christmas. Do whatever you need to
get through the holiday. Go for a run with loud music, lie on the couch with family or
friends and cry while watching movies, if you need to completely detach and forget about it
for one day then do, if you want to devote the day to a special someone you have lost that’s
also an option. Trust your intuition, if it makes you feel capable of managing your emotions
and actions it cannot be wrong.
How you deal with grief is irrelevant just don’t ignore it. Allow others to support you and
learn what it is you need to manage your feelings and cope with trauma. Some people need
to embrace and devote the occasion to their lost love whilst others need to forget about it
for the day and be completely distracted. Accept whichever works for you in order to get
through the season. Don’t punish yourself, don’t lie to yourself, don’t force feelings. Feel,
breathe, and connect with others.
Have a happy Christmas, have a manageable Christmas.
