Quick and easy tomato and aubergine pasta

David Wolfe gets freaky in the kitchen


– 1 aubergine

– 1 onion

– 2-3 cloves of garlic

– 227g tin of finely chopped tomatoes

– 100ml cream (optional but delicious)

– 250g of your favourite pasta shape (penne supremacy)

– Tomato paste

– Some butter 

– Some olive oil

Do you enjoy the idea of intimacy-inducing aphrodisiacs, but wine gives you a headache, and, even though you’ve never tried oysters, they kind of freak you out? Do you enjoy childish sex-jokes and phallic visual puns? Irrespective of your answers to the previous two questions, does the thought of creamy, rich, delicious pasta sauces titillate your senses (and does the word “titillate” make you giggle immaturely too)? If you thought “yes” to any of these questions, then look no further than this aubergine and tomato pasta which will give you ample opportunity for suggestive jokes, but will also leave your tastebuds suitably aroused.

To start, cut up the aubergine by slicing it into half-inch thick circles, then dicing. Before dicing the circles, hold two of them up to your chest and pretend you have giant nipples, but you don’t really, it’s just an optical illusion (created by the aubergine circles). Then dice the onion.

Melt butter in a frying pan on medium heat until it foams, then say “ooh la la” while adding a little olive oil so the butter doesn’t burn (like your desire for that stranger you spotted eyeing up the aubergines in the vegetable aisle). Add the vegetables and cook until softened and slightly browned. Add in the chopped garlic at the end so it doesn’t burn either. 

Add a tablespoon of tomato paste into the pan and mix with the cooked vegetables for thirty seconds before adding the tinned tomatoes. While the water evaporates as the sauce simmers, point out the steam and, in your best Jack Black impression, say “it’s gettin’ steam-ay in here” for your girlfriend’s/your flatmate’s/your own amusement, depending on your relationship status.

In the meantime, cook your pasta according to package instructions. Don’t repeat the Jack Black impression with the steam from the pasta water you probably didn’t even deliver it well the first time.

“Add the cream to the sauce to really recreate the decadent richness of Carluccio’s weekday lunch deal (which outrageously went up to €5.50 over the summer).”

Add the cream to the sauce to really recreate the decadent richness of Carluccio’s weekday lunch deal (which outrageously went up to €5.50 over the summer). Stir it in to create a beautiful, rich, orange sauce, reminiscent of those little orange couches in the arts block that always fall over when your friend sits down beside you. 

Splash in a little bit of starchy pasta water to finish the sauce before adding your drained pasta. Mix it all around in the pot until it makes the funny noise and you can reference that vine (you know, the one with the sound of the macaroni). Serve warm and enjoy!

David Wolfe

David Wolfe is a Junior Sophister student of History and Political Science. He is the current Social Media and Managing Editor of Trinity News, having previously served as News Editor, Assistant News Editor and copyeditor.