Content warning: This article contains discussion of sexual and emotional abuse.
In a recent study by Women’s Aid, they found that one in five young women and one in eleven young men, aged 18 to 25, have been subjected to abuse by a current partner or an ex. This staggering statistic is one of the drivers behind the #TooIntoYou campaign. Trinity News recently sat down with the project lead for the #TooIntoYou campaign Mary Hayes to get an insight into the statistics, the campaign and its goals.
When discussing the most recent iteration of the campaign Hayes noted that they “started to see a lot more young women in particular, using our one to one services, calling the helpline and needing very particular support”.
“When we think about domestic violence and domestic abuse, we think of it happening to older women who might be married or have kids or, you know, who are in a long term relationship, and they’re living with their partner.”
Hayes continued: “When we think about domestic violence and domestic abuse, we think of it happening to older women who might be married or have kids or, you know, who are in a long term relationship, and they’re living with their partner.”
Hayes highlighted this misconception as a major issue for the campaign: “We know from supporting survivors and our research and the helpline, and our one to one services, that actually, abuse can happen, when you’re young, it can happen in your first relationship, and you don’t need to be living with someone for them to act abusively towards you.”
Remarking further on the statistics from their survey Hayes noted that “it is quite a heavily gendered phenomenon”. Their survey also found that for the women that experienced abuse, “100% of that was by a male partner”.
Hayes continued: “Gender based violence is really kind of at the core of gender inequality. Because, you know, we can go so far with women’s rights, but if you’re not able to realise those rights, because you’re in a controlling or abusive relationship, then we’ve we’ve a long way to go”.
Hayes also remarked that “with young men who were experiencing abuse very often, it’s by other men.”
The survey also found that for the majority of the one in five women “the abuse actually started before they turned 18, so they would have been seen as minors” and “for a lot of them, they would have experienced sexual abuse”. The age of consent in the Republic of Ireland is 17.
They found that the most common form of abuse was emotional abuse: “The assumption is that abuse has to be physical for it to be serious, but actually, emotional abuse is the most common form of abuse against young women.” Hayes spoke about the danger of normalising emotionally abusive behaviours and how they can move into online spaces in the digital age: “Everyone has a right to be online, to use the internet safely free from harassment. But, you know, if a partner is constantly messaging them commenting on all their photos, sending them [direct messages] and incessantly like messaging them and not needing to check up on them. That can feel really, really isolating, and it can feel like there’s, there’s really no escape from it.”
The #TooIntoYou campaign has several different kinds of resources on their website including a guide to red flags in relationships. Hayes gave the example of negging as a possible red flag in a relationship saying: “It’s when somebody gives you a compliment, but they undercut it with an insult.” This kind of red flag “wears you down in order to make you feel like you owe them something, or that you need to prove yourself to them”.
“Very often, the things that are red flags are often kind of dismissed as part and parcel of a relationship, things like love bombing, and gaslighting, which can really fly under the radar.”
When discussing the campaign’s services Hayes noted that “from working directly with survivors and young women, we’ve really learned that this is something that young people don’t see as affecting them”.
“Very often, the things that are red flags are often kind of dismissed as part and parcel of a relationship, things like love bombing, and gaslighting, which can really fly under the radar.”
The campaign aims to tell young people they “don’t need to suffer in silence, and you don’t need to put up with them, you know, everyone deserves to have a happy and healthy relationship”.
On their website toointoyou.ie they have a “relationship quiz” which Hayes describes as “a litmus test to see where your relationship falls on the healthy versus unhealthy scale”. They also have “online safety guide, so if you’re worried about somebody harassing you online, or you know, you need to learn how to block someone on different socials, or how to report things like that, we have a guide there”. They also “a help a friend” guide. Within their research they “heard from a lot of young people that there’s a willingness there, you know, to intervene or to support a friend, if they’re worried that they might be experiencing relationship abuse, but they don’t know how to broach that conversation”. This tool is based on “real conversations with young people who’ve gone through this, and really around the language that they use as well”.
One of their most used tools is “an instant messaging supports service.” This consists of a “chat service”, that is “for anyone that’s worried about their own relationship, or even a friend’s relationship”. This service “operated by the women’s aid helpline team” who are “fully trained, they have a complete understanding of abuse, you know, the complexities of experiencing abuse, the dangers and fears there and they’ve lots of experience talking to women experiencing abuse and young people”. This tool is completely free and confidential.
Hayes discussed the challenges in addressing abusive behaviours, saying: “I think people have this idea that there is a threshold for abuse.”
In trying to define abuse Hayes offered this definition: “It’s a pattern of controlling behaviours over time where somebody is trying to exert power and control over their partner.”
She noted the challenges of addressing this kind of behaviour in an online space: “The thing about the online space is it becomes a perfect kind of area for an abusive partner to carry out those things in probably a more subtle way. Once an abusive partner kind of encroaches into those online spaces, it can really feel really suffocating. And that’s, you know, when we did our research, that’s one thing that young women said who, who had experienced this was that they said it felt really, really draining and that there was no escape from it.”
Hayes also spoke about the impact of societal misogyny on abusive behaviours: “The messages that we hear in, in the news, in our culture, in social media spaces online, you know, these all feed into an idea of how we see women, how we see women’s role and place in society.”
She highlighted the rise in online misogyny over the past year: “Unfortunately, there has become a really, I think, toxic level of normalising of this kind of language online, you know, we saw just over the past few months, you know, the rising popularity of people like Andrew Tate. What he’s teaching young men is so dangerous, not just to young women, but also to young men, you know, telling them, giving them these really unrealistic expectations and ideas of what it is to be a man which aren’t representative of what it is to be a man at all.”
On where we go from here and the goals of the campaign Hayes said: “The biggest thing I would say is for people to talk about this.”
She hopes this campaign will encourage more young people to speak about abuse in all its forms: “I would love this to get to a point where it, you know, people who are going through this, that they’re not afraid of talking about it, that they’re able to talk, you know, to friends family about it, and it’s not a hidden issue, and they’re not afraid of how they will be perceived, because at the end of the day, the only person who is at fault for abuse is the abuser.”
“It’s also saying as a message, you know, I see this as serious and I stand in solidarity with people who are going through this and I believe you.”
She is encouraging young people to engage with and share the campaign noting that “one click could make a massive, massive difference to someone”.
“It’s also saying as a message, you know, I see this as serious and I stand in solidarity with people who are going through this and I believe you.”
Hayes concluded by saying she hopes “people can talk about Too Into You and to campaign and share the supports because the more people know about the sports we provide, the less alone hopefully they’ll feel”.
If you are worried about your own relationship or a friends relationship you can call Women’s Aid on the 24Hr National Freephone Helpline on 1800 341 900
or use the free and confidential chat support service at toointoyou.ie which is available daily.
Men needing support can contact the Male Advice Line on 1800 816 588.
