Rómánsaíocht, áilíos, dúil, mothúcháin a bhfuil baint againn le caidrimh rómánsúla áfach, don duine comhspleách éiríonn na mothúcháin seo lán le obsession, andúil, agus spleáchas. Cá dtarraingímid an líne idir an chomhspleáchas agus an rómánsaíocht dáiríre? Conas a aithneoimid an bhfuil ár gcomhpháirtithe nó muid féin comhspleách?
Sainmhínítear rómáns le éirí, mistéir, agus meabhlú. Sainmhínítear comhspleáchas laistigh de chomhthéacs rómánsúil mar riocht mothúchánach agus iompraíochta a théann i bhfeidhm ar chumas duine caidreamh sláintiúil agus comhthairbheach a bheith aige. Is minic a bhíonn comhchleithiúnaithe ag gabháil do chaidrimh atá aontaobhach, atá millteach go mothúchánach, agus b’fhéidir maslach. I bhfocail eile, braitheann comhspleáchas an duine féin agus a fholláine go hiomlán ar mhothúcháin agus ar ghníomhartha a bpáirtí. Cuimsíonn fíorchaidrimh rómánsúla daoine aonair atá neamhspleách ó thaobh mothúchán de murab ionann agus dinimic chomhspleách an chomhchleithiúnaithe agus a gcumasóir.
Mar sin, conas a aithnímid comhspleáchas ionainn féin agus i ndaoine eile? An chéad chomhartha rabhaidh de is éard is comhspleáchas ann ná teorainneacha bochta a mbíonn daoine sásta leo go minic claonadh. Is féidir é seo a léiriú mar chur faoi chois ar mhothúcháin fhíora as a dtiocfaidh rachtanna mothúchánacha nó gá le bailíochtú seachtrach. B’fhéidir go bhfaighidh tú amach go bhfuil nós agat féin nó ag do pháirtí ró-roinnt nó aontú le mothúcháin ísealfhéinmheasa. Tá sé coitianta go bhfuil an comh-idéalaíonn cleithiúnaí a gcomhpháirtí agus b’fhéidir fiú go bhfuil mothú freagrachta aige as a gcuid gníomhartha ag ligean don chomhchleithiúnach gach freagracht as a gcuid féin a thréigean. An comh-bíonn claonadh ag duine cleithiúnach éirí éighníomhach ionsaitheach nuair nach bhfreastalaítear ar a gcuid riachtanas in ainneoin na fírice, is annamh a chuireann siad a gcuid mianta agus riachtanais in iúl go hoscailte. Trí na tréithe seo tá caillteanas féiniúlachta ann, éiríonn an comhspleách sáite sna drámaí, fadhbanna, agus mianta a bpáirtí agus de ghnáth bíonn sé ró-thabhairteach i gciall ábhartha, airgeadais nó fhisiciúil.
B’fhéidir go bhfaighidh tú do chroí ag preabadh agus tú ag aithint le cuid de na tréithe thuas, ach cén cuma atá ar an gcódspleáchas i ngníomh?
An ndéanann tú iarracht mothúcháin do chomhpháirtithe a rialú nó a ligeann do mhothúcháin tionchar díreach a bheith acu mise go pointe nach féidir leat tú féin a rialú? B’fhéidir go gcuireann tú béim ar an tábhacht riachtanais do chomhpháirtithe go pointe go ndéanann tú faillí ar do chuid féin. Cad faoi ag cur isteach ar theorainneacha pearsanta chun freastal ar do pháirtí? Dhéanfadh an comhréiteach seo a chur i láthair mar ligean dóibh do chuid teachtaireachtaí a léamh, ag caitheamh am saor in aisce ach amháin le iad, ag gabháil do ghníomhaíochtaí gnéis as eagla nó díomá ar do pháirtí. An ndéanann tú faillí gnéithe de do shaol pearsanta nach mbaineann go díreach le do pháirtí ar nós crochta amach le cairde ar leith, ag gabháil do chaitheamh aimsire pearsanta, ag caitheamh ama ina n-aonar, nó ag déanamh oibre agus gealltanais teaghlaigh ina n-éagmais? An bhfuil tú ag maireachtáil do shaol duit féin nó ar do shon comhpháirtí? Cé gur chóir go mbeadh go leor línte ag do leannán i súgradh do shaol níor cheart dóibh le feiceáil i ngach radharc. Mura gcothaíonn tú saol pearsanta, b’fhéidir go bhfaighidh tú féin ag cloí leis an duine a cheapann tú gur mian le do pháirtí tú a bheith. Léireofar é seo nach bhfuil do thuairimí féin a bheith agat, iarracht a dhéanamh cloí le hionchais neamhréadúla, fiú gléasadh, nó iompar mídhlisteanach.
Mar sin, cén cuma atá ar caidreamh sláintiúil? An féidir saol a roinnt le duine agus iad neamhspleách? I mbeagán focal, tá. Trí éisteacht agus bailíochtú is féidir leat tacaíocht a chur in iúl agus ligean do pháirtí a gcuid saincheisteanna féin a réiteach. Creid é nó ná creid tá an cur chuige seo i bhfad níos éifeachtaí ná an fhreagracht a ghoid a gcuid fadhbanna. Ní mór duit ligean do do pháirtí rialáil mhothúchánach. Tá stark ann difríocht idir ionbhá agus ionsú. Is féidir leat a bhraitheann trua do do pháirtí atá b’fhéidir brón, aiféala nó díomá a bheith agat gan teiripeoir a phearsanú. Tá an níos cobhsaí nó níos dearfaí do staid mhothúchánach an tacaíocht is fearr a bheidh tú in ann ag soláthar. Mar mhalairt air sin, más tusa an té atá thíos ach go bhfuil rath ar do pháirtí, ná déan déan iarracht agus coinnigh aghaidh ar a bhfuil tú ag déileáil agus a bhfuil tú sásta. Tá sé ríthábhachtach an dóigh a mothaímid a roinnt ó bhéal i gcaidreamh sláintiúil, ach is féidir le tarchur mhothúchánach a bheith tubaisteach. Breathnaigh gan á rialú ag deireadh an lae is é do ról a bpáirtí agus ní a slánaitheoir. Tá tús an chaidrimh an príomh-am le teorainneacha do-idirbheartaithe a shocrú agus le foghlaim cinn do pháirtí agus teacht ar chomhaontuithe ar théarmaí do chaidrimh leis cosc a chur ar easpa measa nó feall sa todhchaí. Socraigh na hionchais ag an tús ionas gur féidir leo a bheith le chéile le linn an chaidrimh. É sin ráite níl sé ró-dhéanach riamh teorainneacha a thabhairt isteach in aon chaidreamh i do shaol, bíodh sé teaghlaigh, rómánsúil, platonic nó fiú gairmiúla. Chun é seo a fhíorú caithfidh tú a bheith ó bhéal, do mhothúcháin a chur in iúl agus riachtanais do pháirtí ná bí ag súil go ndéanfaidh siad meon. Más mian leat an caidreamh a obair a bheith i dtaithí ort féin, foghlaim conas taitneamh a bhaint as am leat féin agus ná déan dearmad ar do chuid saol pearsanta; ní gá do chuid ama saor go léir a chaitheamh nó ba chóir é a chaitheamh le do pháirtí, tá sé amhlaidh tábhachtach do leasanna pearsanta an tsaoil agus d’fhéiniúlacht a choinneáil ar mhaithe le do folláine ach freisin chun cinntigh má thagann deireadh leis an gcaidreamh nach mothaeoidh tú nach bhfuil aon chiall leis an saol nó nach mbraitheann tú fios cé tú féin gan an duine sin. Bí tú féin. Ar ndóigh glacaimid leasanna agus chreidimh ár gcomhpháirtí, áfach, fan dílis duit féin agus ná bí ag cloí le hidéalach leagan díot féin, má bhraitheann do pháirtí nach leor do chuid féin barántúil, nó ina mhalairt de chás go bhfuil sé “ró-bhríomhar” mar sin is dócha nach iad an duine ceart duit.
Faoin am seo is féidir leat a aithint an bhfuil tú i gcaidreamh fíor-rómánsúil nó an bhfuil tú nó is íospartaigh de chomhspleáchas é do pháirtí. Más ceist faoin dara ceann é, ná bíodh eagla ort! Tá spás le réiteach! Tá sé i bhfad ó bheith éasca iompraíochtaí comhspleácha a bhriseadh ach tá sé gar go leor chun is féidir. Is pointe tosaigh maith é réaltacht do chaidrimh a aithint, gan an chomhpháirtíocht ná do pháirtí féin a idéalú. Glac freagracht as cé tá tú, do do mhothúcháin, agus do do ghníomhartha. Aithnigh do pháirtí mar dhuine aonair freagrach as a gcuid roghanna, iompair agus mothúcháin féin. Tá sé ríthábhachtach a shocrú soiléir teorainneacha ASAP agus seasamh leo i gcónaí, cé mar a luadh againn cheana, nach bhfuil sé riamh ró-dhéanach teorainneacha a thabhairt isteach in aon réimse de do shaol. Tá an caidreamh thar barr is féidir leat sos a ghlacadh, in ainneoin an rud a insíonn an tsochaí nach bhfuil aon deifir, gan aon chlog meafarach ag tic. Foghlaim conas a bheith leat féin agus taitneamh a bhaint as do chuideachta féin. Foghlaim níos mó faoi cé tá tú mar dhuine cad iad do mhianta agus do riachtanais, fiafraigh díot féin an bhfuil tú réidh i ndáiríre a bheith i gcaidreamh. Tá cobhsaíocht inár mothú féin mar bhunús le haon cobhsaí agus caidreamh sláintiúil. Níor chóir go mbeadh do pháirtí mar do leath eile ba cheart gurb é do pháirtí eile é ar fad.
Chomh inmhianaithe le sult agus déine rómánsúil na gcaidreamh comhspleách, déanann siad damáiste do-aisiompaithe san fhadtréimhse go mothúchánach agus go síceolaíoch. Tar éis an cuireann céim mhí na meala caidreamh sláintiúil go leor buntáistí fós, ní féidir an rud céanna a rá le haghaidh caidrimh de chineál comhspleách a théann uaireanta chomh fada scrios an féidearthacht do rómánsaíocht sa todhchaí.
As Bearla/In English
Romance, lust, desire, and feelings which we connote with romantic relationships however, for the co-dependent individual these sentiments become muddled with obsession, addiction, and dependency. Where do we draw the line between co-dependency and genuine romance? How do we identify if our partners or we ourselves are co-dependent?
Romance is defined by excitement, mystery, and seduction. Co-dependency within a romantic context is defined as an emotional and behavioural condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy and mutually beneficial relationship. Co-dependents often engage in relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive, and possibly abusive. In other words, co-dependency is a person’s sense of self and their well-being depends entirely on the feelings and actions of their partner. Genuine romantic relationships consist of emotionally independent individuals, unlike the co-dependent dynamic of the co-dependent and their enabler.
So, how do we recognise co-dependency in ourselves and others? The first warning sign of co-dependency is poor boundaries which are often accompanied by people-pleasing tendencies. This can manifest as repression of true feelings leading, to emotional outbursts or a need for external validation. You may find that you or your partner have a habit of oversharing or identify with feelings of low self-esteem. It’s common that the co-dependent idealises their partner and maybe even possess a sense of responsibility for their actions allowing the co-dependent to abandon all responsibility for their own. The co-dependent individual tends to become passive-aggressive when their needs aren’t met despite the fact, they rarely openly express their wants and needs. Through these traits there is a loss of identity, the co-dependent becomes absorbed in the dramas, problems, and desires of their partner and usually is too giving in a material, financial or physical sense.
You may find your heart racing as you identify with some of the above traits, but what do these traits look like in a relationship?
Do you try to control your partner’s emotions or allow their emotions to directly impact yours to a degree where you cannot regulate yourself? Maybe you emphasise the importance of your partner’s needs to a degree where you neglect your own. How about compromising personal boundaries to accommodate your partner? This compromise would present itself as allowing them to read your messages, spending all free time only with them, engaging in sexual activities out of fear or disappointing your partner. Do you neglect aspects of your personal life which don’t directly involve your partner such as hanging out with separate friends, engaging in personal hobbies, spending time alone, or fulfilling work and family commitments in their absence? Are you living your life for yourself or for your partner? While your lover should have many lines in the play of your life they shouldn’t appear in every scene. If you do not maintain a personal life, you may find yourself conforming to who you think your partner wants you to be. This will manifest in not having your own opinions, attempting to adhere to unrealistic expectations, and even dressing, or behaving inauthentically.
The volatility of a co-dependent relationship for both parties is undeniable so, what does a healthy relationship look like? Is it possible to share a life with someone while remaining an individual with independent emotions, needs and beliefs? In short, yes. Instead of trying to fix your partner’s issues simply listen and be that shoulder to cry on. By listening and validation, you can express support while allowing your partner to solve their own issues. Believe it or not, you this approach is far more efficient than stealing the responsibility for their problems. You must allow your partner to emotionally regulate. There is a stark difference between empathising and absorbing. You can feel pity for your partner who is maybe experiencing grief, regret, or disappointment without personifying a therapist. The more stable or positive your emotional state the better support you will be capable of providing. Alternatively, if you are the one who is down but your partner is thriving don’t try and upkeep a façade that you are coping and happy. Verbally sharing how we feel is vital in a healthy relationship, but emotional transmission can be disastrous. Observe without being controlled at the end of the day your role is their partner not their saviour. The beginning of the relationship is the prime time to set unnegotiable boundaries and to learn those of your partner and arrive at mutual agreements on the terms of your relationship to prevent future disrespect or betrayal. Set the expectations at the beginning so they can be met throughout the course of the relationship. That being said it is never too late to introduce boundaries into any relationships in your life be it familial, romantic, platonic or even professional. For this to become reality you have to be verbal, express your emotions and needs to your partner don’t expect them to mindread. If you want the relationship to work become acquainted with yourself, learn to enjoy alone time and never neglect your personal life; not all of your free time needs to or should be spent with your partner, it is so important to maintain your personal life interests and identity for your wellbeing but also to ensure that if the relationship ends you won’t feel that life has no meaning or you don’t know who you are without that person. Be yourself. Naturally, we adopt the interests and beliefs of our partner however, stay true to yourself and don’t conform to an idealised version of yourself, if your partner makes you feel that your authentic self is not sufficient, or alternatively is “too much” then they most likely are not the right person for you.
By now you can identify whether you are in a genuine romantic relationship or whether you or your partner are victims of co-dependency. If it’s a matter of the latter, fear not! There is room for resolution! Breaking co-dependent behaviours is far from easy but it is close enough to possible. A good starting point is acknowledging the reality of your relationship, without idealising the partnership or your partner themselves. Take responsibility for who you are, for your feelings, and for your actions. Recognise your partner as an individual responsible for their own choices, behaviours, and emotions. It’s vital to set clear boundaries ASAP and constantly uphold them, although as we mentioned before, it is never too late to introduce boundaries into any area of your life. Relationships are overwhelming you can take a break, despite what society insinuates there is no rush, no metaphorical clock is ticking. Learn to be by yourself and to enjoy your own company. Learn more about who you are as a person what your wants and needs are, ask yourself if you are genuinely ready to be in a relationship. Stability in our sense of self is the foundation for any stable and healthy relationship. Your partner shouldn’t be your other half they should be your other whole.
As tempting as the infatuation and romantic intensity of co-dependent relationships are, they cause irreversible damage in the long run emotionally and psychologically. After the honeymoon phase a healthy relationship still offers many benefits, the same cannot be said for relationships of a co-dependent nature which sometimes goes so far as to sabotage the potential for future romance.
