There are many attributes of a typical college summer, often chronicled by the average Trinity student’s Instagram story, with a new pink circle appearing around the same person’s profile picture daily. They post the flashing neon lights of club nights on glimmering beaches, likely in Southern Europe or somewhere in the United States on a J1 visa. It seems like everyone is having the summer of their lives, and you can’t help but feel a bit downcast and lonely. And then, of course, follows the most topical question of the season in any given conversation: ‘‘So, how’s your dating life?’’. And hence, the despair and loneliness resurface. (That is, unless your dating life is prospering, and you currently cannot relate!)
“Despite this, we frequently forget about the most important relationship we have in our lives – the one we maintain with ourselves”
But how many of these people are actually having a blast, and not miserably trying (and perhaps failing) to navigate the gruesome Irish dating pool? (or what’s left of it, anyways.) How many are scrambling to find love, which seems like the (oddly) unanimous solution to fill the dilating hole in our lonesome hearts? Despite this, we frequently forget about the most important relationship we have in our lives – the one we maintain with ourselves. When was the last time we stopped to self-prioritise, look within, and nurture the relationship we have with ourselves?
Dating yourself includes spending time with yourself, and feeling satisfied and fulfilled doing so alone. It means feeling secure being single, and understanding that loneliness is a common phenomenon, especially in adulthood. When you date yourself, you weather through the solitude, rather than allowing yourself to dwell upon and be swallowed up by it, by rediscovering yourself, your interests and hobbies. Ultimately, feeling content when you spend time with yourself is the key to feeling secure with your life, and the consequent platonic and romantic relationships you form in your life.
Therefore, if you too are trying to spend a gratifying summer alone, this guide is for you. Similarly, if you merely wish to deepen your bond with yourself, read on for my top tips for productively spending time alone for the rest of the summer.
Declutter your life
Decluttering your life is an absolute necessity in being able to date yourself and prioritise your well-being. This includes cutting out absolutely any toxicity or negative energy in your life. Eliminating superfluous elements of your life allows you to be in control of your own circumstances, and foster the stable environment you want to create for yourself. That bag of clothes that has been waning beneath your bed, full of pieces that you vow you’ll wear again? Be honest with yourself that you won’t. Those photos lingering in your camera roll that are so intensely infused with bittersweet nostalgia, but make you feel downcast when you go through them again? Consider deleting them from your phone. That one friend that leaves you feeling awful after every time you hang out? Re-evaluate the amount of time and energy you invest in the friendship, and perhaps reconsider the values you prioritise when it comes to the people you surround yourself with.
Thus, step one of dating yourself begins with getting rid of anything in your life that does not make you feel good or happy! It can, and probably will, be painful in the moment, but you’ll thank yourself for the extra space you create in your life for a new object or friend.
Prioritise yourself in a non-digital space
It does not feel too shocking to say that existing primarily in a digital realm, on apps and social media, can, at times, make you feel – well, horrible. The Irish Independent affirms that the average Irish person spends around 4.5 hours on their phone a day, oftentimes checking their phone at least 50 times daily. Horrifying!
I have occasionally been guilty of posting things online as they happen, claiming it depicts a digital time capsule of sorts. However, is it truly a time capsule of the moment? Or consequently, have I miraculously failed to live in the moment as it was unfolding before me? Oftentimes, the problem with the overwhelming presence of social media is the easy access and instant gratification we receive at a moment’s notice. But dating yourself includes seeking this gratification elsewhere, and prioritising yourself in a non-digital space.
“Saying no to plans when you do not have the emotional capacity to socialise and need to recharge is a hard thing I’ve had to learn to do recently – but it is sometimes very necessary.”
Prioritising your own emotional and psychological needs by escaping the media comes in a plethora of different forms, and includes a focus on physical and emotional requisites. Turning off your phone for a couple of hours while focusing on a hobby is a great way to eliminate distractions and focus on yourself. Going on walks and getting some fresh air allows you to recalibrate your physical needs, while spending time with yourself. Saying no to plans when you do not have the emotional capacity to socialise and need to recharge is a hard thing I’ve had to learn to do recently – but it is sometimes very necessary.
In such a fast-paced society, productivity is always highly valued, and being unproductive can be viewed as “laziness”. But we all need to recharge in order to be our most efficient when productive! Thomas Carlyle himself declared that: “Rest is a fine medicine.” Accordingly, digital detoxes are a necessity to be able to decompress and focus on our physical and emotional needs.
Discover Yourself
The average college student is typically a young adult between the ages of 18-22. Oftentimes, it is assumed that the young adult is most in control of their identity, yet it is regularly overlooked as the period when identity is also the most malleable. There exists a pressure to have yourself figured out by now. By this age, there is a wide range of elements of our lives that we are certain about – but there are also many things that we are still quite simply unsure of. There still exists room to be adventurous and ambitious, try new things, and rediscover yourself and your hobbies.
“Ultimately, the journey of adulthood is all about becoming more and more familiar with yourself as the years pass – and it is never too late to find something new that you may come to enjoy.”
Personally, entering adulthood allowed me to rediscover some of my dormant hobbies and realise some new ones. Whether it is discovering new artists, reading a new favourite book (because all hot girls have Goodreads!) or learning a different language – there are countless choices. Similarly, dating yourself can include travelling alone or spending time alone locally to explore the city and discover new hot spots in town, including cafés, bars, and stores. Ultimately, the journey of adulthood is all about becoming more and more familiar with yourself as the years pass – and it is never too late to find something new that you may come to enjoy.
Spend Time with Friends
And finally, once you have fully focused on re-energising yourself, make socialising with your friends a priority! Spend time with the friends that bring fulfillment, satisfaction and happiness into your life. It can be the most gratifying use of your time. Having great people in your life oftentimes goes as an unexpressed and unrecognised blessing. Cherish them, prioritise them, spend time with them, and become happier with yourself and this version of your life. Everything else that matters will eventually follow suit and fall into place!
Ultimately, it is the fundamental truth that we all want to feel loved. Yet, time and time again, we do not fully revel in the love that we possess for ourselves. Although there is nothing wrong with spending all summer trying to find love or dabbling in summer flings (that said, I may go insane if I have to hear one more story about a situationship that has left another of my friends traumatised), securing a stable and prospering relationship with yourself is ultimately the foundation upon which we attempt to love others. As Rupi Kaur has rightfully penned: “How you love yourself is how you teach others to love you.”
Thus, “hot-girl summer” figurehead Charli xcx affirms that, ‘‘everything is romantic’’; including ‘‘lemons on the trees and on the ground, sandals on the stirrups of the scooters, neon orange drinks on the beach’’. Perhaps romanticising your life, finding the beauty in the smallest of things, and prioritising your wellbeing are the first vital steps toward fully revelling in a BRAT summer, and finding fulfilling and rewarding love from a partner in the long-term, allowing us to ‘‘fall in love again and again’’.
