Democracy or dictatorship: the large friend groups of Trinity

Upon telling people that I have three best friends, one of which is my sister, the reaction I have gotten on a number of occasions is: “that’s kind of sad”. But is it really? I have been in or on the outskirts of multiple large friend groups throughout my college career and while there are upsides to large groups, they also have many downsides. Upon entering Trinity Hall in my first year, I was swept into the excitement of a large friend group which provided assured social interaction at all hours of the day, company for every night out, and a buddy for lunch everyday. Removed from the security and routine of my parents’ house, this new friend group became a new kind of family unit. From Friendsgiving and group Secret Santa, to shared disposable cameras and a plethora of inside jokes, there was a lot of comfort in the constant social stimulation. But beyond the seemingly fulfilling friendships was an emptiness in the constancy.

This ceaseless opportunity for social interaction meant overwhelming feelings of FOMO when I wasn’t able to hang out with the group. It often meant overextending my social battery when hanging out with people who seemed to last longer in social settings than I did, past the point of it being enjoyable. Branching out became much more difficult as well. Going to a society event by myself seemed out of the question. Within the comfort of always knowing the people I was hanging out with, going to an event alone was daunting. It would also mean that I would miss out on the potential of hanging out with the group, and therefore miss out on the development of inside jokes or future plans that were concocted in my absence.

Feelings of FOMO are quite universal when it comes to friendships. Oftentimes, FOMO leads our imaginations astray and the reality of what we have missed is altogether less glamorous than what we picture. The unique experience of the larger friend group is that with more people comes more hangouts occurring at different times of the day, sometimes with different members, but all put into the group chat so that it can feel like there are always people hanging out without you. Despite the discrepancies between our perception and the reality of the situation, FOMO can make a large friend group feel quite lonely, such is the weird, and slightly contradictory power of such groups.

Different people bring different dynamics to a group. This is another universal concept, no matter the size of the friend group. Indeed, friend groups tend to develop personalities of their own, oftentimes influenced by the individual personalities within the group: some personalities dominate group settings more than others, and some friends are closer to others. In my experience, larger friend groups have inner and outer circles: the core with the inside jokes and their own group chat, and the people on the outskirts. Maybe they are not at every group gathering, choosing to pop in and out, or maybe they are, but they have trouble fully immersing themselves in the group dynamic. 

In extreme cases, one person deciding they don’t like another can influence the entire group to stop talking to them. In the aftermath of one member’s questionable actions, sides are expected to be taken. But there are three sides to every story and people are complex. It is this that makes large friend groups hard. The extremes. I have seen individuals ostracised from a group, with no opportunity to defend themselves, because of accusations that were passed around. Gossip can tear at the fabric of friendship while peer pressure dictates the decisions of rational individuals. This is the conundrum of large friend groups. Tightly woven together, no one is altogether unbiased. When group members make mistakes, as all people do, who gets to decide what happens next? Why do the verdicts tend to be so all or nothing when most of the time nobody knows all the facts?

These large friend groups that develop, especially in Trinity Hall, don’t necessarily last, and they are not all they appear from the outside. A seemingly fulfilling and embracing connection can actually be quite lonely, riddled with exclusion and judgement. This is not to say large friend groups are inherently bad, or that anyone in the aforementioned situations were wholly right or wrong, but some large groups are more inclined to drama than others, and that can make it difficult to see the bigger picture. 

While living at Trinity Hall, this big group seemed like my new family. Living with them 24/7 meant that they were my whole world, but at the same time it meant that when people were forced out, it was an even bigger deal. In this sense, second year came as a relief. Learning from my first year self, I found my little group who avoid drama. I branched out to different people and activities and became more comfortable and secure with my place in college. This is to say, for the freshers entering college, sometimes it takes time to find your place. I’ve talked to a lot of students who say it took them until second year to develop those lasting friendships and secure connections on campus. 

Ultimately, having a plethora of friends is not a prerequisite to being socially happy. Sometimes you just end up as a square peg in a round hole. Power dynamics often shift the narrative within friend groups, giving certain individuals a larger say and more influence over the group. It is important not to let peer pressure dictate your actions or cloud your judgement. Just because your friend said it, doesn’t make them right. Whether it’s a claim about a mutual friend or second hand hearsay, it is always pertinent to think critically about gossip, especially when someone could get hurt. Large friend groups can be great, but it is important at the same time to take a step back and consider the type of friend you want to be, what type of friendship suits you, and what type of friendships you are fostering, especially in the sometimes overwhelming experience of first year.