Nostradamus prophesied many things, like the French Revolution and the second world war, but I doubt he could have predicted this article 1600 years ago. Honestly, foretelling the future was not even on my 2024 bingo cards. I must warn you, therefore, these horoscope predictions are not the usual batch of cookies. They contain the good, the bad, and the ugly. In all honesty, they serve more as whimsical reality checks than predictions. So take it with a pinch of salt and enjoy the last few weeks of summer!
Aries (March 21-April 19) You got a job this summer to save up on a super cool trip your group chat’s been planning. Let me guess, you spent it on all the things you did not actually need, but thought you did. I have good news for you though, the summer is not over yet and you still have a shot at earning all that money back (I don’t know how, but you’re an Aries). For you, there ain’t no mountain high enough!
Taurus (April 20-May 20) If you have woken up just to read this, you might as well go back to sleep. You’re not going to follow the advice anyway. The pandemic ended two years ago so stop complaining about how bad your social life is, because it’s not them, it’s you! You refuse to get out of bed and love when people cancel plans. You need to step it up this year. Yes, not only for the summer, for the entire year!
Gemini (May 21-June 20) Your personality changes with every new trend in town. Right now, you want to be a brat (lowkey, you’ve always been one). You love summer just for your birthday because honestly, you’re the coldest person anyone’s ever met. You impulsively left the group chat (I personally love the dramatic exits). Unfortunately, you need a taste of your own medicine, therefore you are not getting added back anytime soon. So, for this summer, I recommend chatting up your friends to get added back. It may take a while.
Cancer (June 21-July 22) Are you done being crab-bity? You have cried at least five times today and it is only 12pm. Relax, they are not ghosting you. You messaged them five minutes ago. However exciting it might be making fun of your zodiac, you’re also the only person making summer totally awesome this year. You are always putting together fun yet elaborate events for your friends. I see you going all out on your hosting skills this month. It’s a hint if not a prediction!
Leo (July 23-August 22) You love the parties your Cancer friend hosts. You hate leaving even when the party’s over. You’re asking everyone how their summer went just to tell them yours was better. You have terrible fashion choices but you believe otherwise. You are celebrating yourself this year because it is your year (you think that every year). You are going to have a pointless fight with one of your friends. You will not be apologising, but you should, because you were wrong!
Virgo (August 23-September 22) You are logical, practical, and a realist. That’s probably why you’re still single. You want a perfect life. As a result, you do not take risks and live the most boring life ever. Like I said, there is only a month left to let loose a bit. You never know, something exciting might happen for you. If you follow my advice, you will be ‘walking on sunshine’ by the end of August.
Libra (September 23-October 22) The crookie was created for you by you. Well, life does not actually work like that. It’s usually ‘this’ or ‘that.’ You think the confusion in your life is actually “balance”. Maybe you should take up English classes for the remainder of this summer, since you clearly do not know the difference between the two.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21) You know everything about your friends but they do not know a single thing about you. You’re so secretive that even I don’t know what your future holds. Even if I wanted to predict your future, your feisty attitude prevents me from doing so.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21) The only job you qualified for this summer was to annoy people and then laugh about it. You obviously do not have a life but could be considered the ‘life of the party’ sometimes. You know no boundaries (literally, you are capable of spontaneously catching a flight to Australia tomorrow). In a way, it’s a good thing. We all need an irritating yet crazy friend like you this summer.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19) You have definitely made a summer to-do list and are nearing the end of it. You’re doing each task on it with utmost dedication. You’ll most likely plan a trip for your Sagittarius friend, who may be leaving for Australia tomorrow. After all, you’re the “stressed mom”, the “amusing dad”, and the “cool cousin” kind of friend.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18) You really want to change the world. It is adorable really, but, ironically, you do not even know how to do your own laundry. The problem is that you will actually believe what you read here. I am, therefore, going to tell you that your future looks pretty decent. Just learn how to do your laundry and you are sorted.
Pisces (February 19-March 20) You started rewatching Gilmore Girls to avoid an important task. It has been a few days, so why don’t you get back to the task now? You have been fantasising about having the perfect summer – the perfect tan, all the cool clothes, and an amazing trip to Greece. In reality, you are still trying to complete the task I mentioned earlier. Stop reading this and get to it already!
