Residing a mere 25-minute bus journey from town meant the notion of me moving out for college was non-existent. A friend once remarked how I arrived quicker to college than she did from Trinity Hall. Whether the reasons were geographical or economical, no relocation ever made sense.
I am not in the minority. Many young people still live in their family homes. The 2022 Census revealed that 522,486 adults over the age of 18 were living with their parents, an increase of 19% on 2011 figures.
Whether it’s through personal experience or knowledge of friends and family struggling to obtain and maintain a fixed abode, I’m sure we are all well acquainted with the nation’s worsening housing crisis.
The security of tenure which comes with continuing to live at home with my mam, dog, and cat is not lost on me. I have never had to fork up an excessive 1,200 euro a month for a mouldy box room, face eviction mid-semester, or haggle with acquisitive landlords. I am extremely lucky that I am not among the thousands of students who have had to defer their education as a result of failures by successive governments to curb vulture funds.
“There is always this tingling feeling that I have missed out on some rite of passage by not having fled the nest.”
In lieu of this, there is always this tingling feeling that I have missed out on some rite of passage by not having fled the nest–that a quintessential aspect of the college experience has been lost on me.
Back in my college infancy, Trinity Hall was an unknown oasis in my eyes. I was constantly jealous of my peers who lived there and the close bonds they formed due to forced proximity. Now, in my final year, this notion seems rather silly and I realise one does not have to share a flat with people in order to make friends.
“Living at home can come at the cost of your privacy, personal space, and loss of reason. What you save in rent you often pay in mental sanity.”
That being said, the trials and tribulations of cohabiting with your family during college can run far deeper than simply feeling as though you are missing out on the social aspects of life. Living at home can come at the cost of your privacy, personal space, and loss of reason. What you save in rent you often pay in mental sanity.
Having your parent as your college roommate is unfounded territory for both parties. In my experience, there have definitely been some noticeable growing pains that derive from trying to redefine the mother-daughter dynamic. At 21, I see myself on the cusp of full-fledged adulthood. My mam, on the other hand, still sees me as a mere 16 years of age. As a result, situations often arise in which I feel smothered, as though my independence is being impeded upon.
These frustrations were only heightened upon my return home from a 6-month stint in Prague for Erasmus. As someone who originally considered attending college in Galway in order to move out, I was not going to let the possibility of Erasmus pass me by – there was no way. After many grueling months of retail, along with the much-appreciated support of my family, I was in a position where the prospect of studying abroad was financially achievable.
Once abroad, I found creating boundaries between myself and my mam much easier– which is perhaps to be expected, due to the 1,858.9 kilometres distance between Ireland and the Czech Republic. By virtue of our separation, I was able to approach our relationship on my own terms.
My home in Prague was a space that I could fully make my own – within the terms and conditions of my lease of course. Outgrowing one’s childhood bedroom is only natural, however bittersweet that may be for parents to hear.
While away, I was at last able to experience the independence I so desperately craved. It did leaps and bounds for my development and allowed me to live life solely for myself – however selfish that sentiment may sound. But alas, as all good things, my time spent on the continent came to an end.
Although I was back living between the walls I had called home for many years, I felt like a complete stranger within their confines as I readjusted to my old life. Forgotten feelings of suffocation became intensified as I was thrust back into constant scrutiny and micromanagement.
“Discussions around boundaries are often uncomfortable for all involved however, it is paramount to have them in order to alleviate feelings of resentment that inevitably build on both sides.”
There are, however, ways to combat the manifestation of such emotions and create a more hospitable home environment. It takes time, patience, and communication between you and your parents to establish new boundaries and understandings when you are an adult living under their roof. This is a situation many young people and their families face across Ireland. Discussions around boundaries are often uncomfortable for all involved however, it is paramount to have them in order to alleviate feelings of resentment that inevitably build on both sides. In the months since my return I have tried to instigate such conversations with limited success, but, as they say, “i ndiaidh na chéile a thógtar na caisleáin” (Rome wasn’t built in a day).
It is our parents’ first time living too and, despite how it may feel sometimes, they truly do have our best interests at heart. They are simply trying their best to navigate the uncharted waters of getting to know their children as adults.
While I am set to graduate this year, and becoming another Irish expat has never appealed to me, the prospects of me being able to move out are incredibly slim due to the extortion and ever-increasing prices of rent in Dublin. Regardless of where I lay my roots, a myriad of emotions such as comfort, safety, and frustration will always be attached to my family home.
