Coming out of a long-term relationship was 99% agonising and 1% the realisation that, well … I am now single! Even worse, I started to think about dating apps. With the emergence of many new dating apps, I felt the need to up my game and learn about all of the changes occurring in the dating ecosystem. I was uncomfortable, humbled (physically and mentally), overwhelmed by the abundance of choices that lay before me, and saw one too many bare-chested men for my liking. However, much like sex, I eventually got the hang of it and can now give you my full honest review and ranking.
I will finally put the science behind my political science degree to use and analyse this research question: Which dating app will ruin your life the least? I will judge this question qualitatively by these factors: the probability of finding someone you are attracted to (1-10), the chances of having a good date (1-10), the likelihood you won’t cringe or be repulsed by messages (1-10), and the final impressions (1-5). For this last one I have created the following scale of possible outcomes: wanting to call your therapist (1), choosing to join a celibate monastery (2), deciding to enter your self-love era (3), continuing to date around (4), and finally feeling like love is in the air (5).
Hence, the list you have long been awaiting: dating apps, ranked from worst to best.
- Bumble
“That is not to say that the friend or networking section of the app isn’t worth a try. It’s just that when only dating is concerned, Bumble was a huge disappointment”
I was under the impression that this was the best app out there. Women have to send the first text, and the fact that the men on the receiving end had 24 hours to reply seemed appealing. Surprisingly though, my fear of rejection never became an issue because there were zero people I felt attracted to. A quick Google search led me to a non-verified source that said that for every woman on the app, there were three men using it. Barely any girls showed up in my feed, and the ones that did were simply not my type. Men, on the other hand, came by the millions, and I tried (trust me) to find someone attractive enough for my taste to swipe right and make this review a bit more authentic, but I simply couldn’t. That is not to say that the friend or networking sections of the app aren’t worth a try. It’s just that when it comes to dating, Bumble was a huge disappointment.
Thus, I rate Bumble 1/10 in likelihood of attraction. For the probability of having a good date, I would rate it only a 4/10. This is mainly because people there do seem to look for a bit more than just a hookup and most users will also be open to meeting friends. I give it a 6/10 in likelihood that you won’t cringe because by texting first I felt that I was able to set the tone for the conversation. Will you still have the overly confident person with terrible pickup lines and no ability to read the vibes? Yes. But at least it will be better than the other apps rated. I know that if I had only been using Bumble, my resolution would probably be to pause dating for the time being … but it ultimately makes joining a monastery not sound too bad, so I give it a 2/5 in final impressions. All in all, I give Bumble a 13/35.
- Tinder
“A few moons ago I did find myself an authentic proper match in the app, but I have to be realistic here… most people on the app are not looking for a love story”
If it ain’t broke, why fix it? A few moons ago I did find myself an authentic proper match in the app, but I have to be realistic here … most people on Tinder are not looking for a love story. It is mainly, if not totally, based on physical attraction. I admit that sometimes I use Tinder like a game and swipe so fast that, to the naked eye, it seems like I’m not even seeing the pictures. But hey! It’s Tinder! Everything is casual there. Chatting, depending on what you want, can go from anything like direct, uncensored requests for sex to actually interesting chats. But mainly, it’s just pickup lines that you can tell are just copied and pasted with every person they match with. It is what it promises to be. You may feel ashamed and dirty when downloading it and setting up a profile, knowing that you are setting yourself up to be physically critiqued, but alas. The good thing is, my fear of rejection can take a rest day when I use Tinder, because if I am not getting an automatic match when I swipe right on someone, I will just tell myself that they surely accidentally swiped left when they were playing around with the app like I do …
Thus, I rate Tinder 6/10 in likelihood of attraction. In chances of a good date I rate it 5/10, (fifty-fifty because only then will you realise whether it is a date or they are just looking for a quick hookup). For likelihood that you won’t feel disgusted I would rate it a 4/10, because some messages are just so direct! Once I am done with the app, I often feel bad about myself and my contribution to the world of dating and resolve to call my therapist. Still, it doesn’t make me want to stop online dating. To average between these two points on the scale, I will give it a 3/ 5 in final impressions. All in all, Tinder gets an 18/35.
- Hinge
“Overall, the fact that I can see who has liked me and I can judge a person based on their responses to personalised prompts and not just their face is a big plus”
Hinge was the app that I initially felt the most hesitant about using, as I had heard so many mixed opinions about it. Still, there are features that I enjoy, though also some I don’t. Overall, the fact that I can see who has liked me and I can judge a person based on their responses to personalised prompts and not just their face is a big plus. Do I see a lot of “my biggest green flag is I will let you borrow my hoodie” prompts? Yes, almost on a daily basis. However, I get fewer explicit messages than on Tinder, so that’s a win. It is the app where I felt the most comfortable sending a message first. It’s fun going through the answers, judging them and honestly sending replies. The only downside is … every single one of my friends is on the app. And when it’s not friends, it’s the person you share a class with, or your ex’s best friend who will definitely screenshot your profile and share it. So, while some matches are problematic and there are some very uninteresting people on Hinge, there are also some nice people and I enjoy the app and its features.
Thus, I rate Hinge 7/10 in likelihood of attraction. In probability of having a good date, I rate it an 8/10 based on my personal experiences. A 7/10 in likelihood of no disgust because (and only because) of the occasionally stupid and gross answers to your prompts. All of this ultimately leaves you feeling the desire to keep the app on your phone, continue dating and, who knows, perhaps eventually find a match. This means Hinge gets a 4/5 in final impressions. Overall, Hinge earns 26/35 according to my points system.
Now, reader, you can hate me all you want, but we both know LinkedIn is simply the way to go. You can filter for (or exclude) finance bros, see their interests in full blast, see how much they brag about that Deloitte internship (so you are prepared to hear the monologue you will inevitably get during your date), and get a glimpse of what a future with them would be like. Message them to “network” and boom! Not only did you find a great match, but you can also claim it was 100% a dating-app-free meet-cute. Only you and I will know just how much it was masterminded.
Thus, I rate LinkedIn by asking and answering these questions: will you find attractive people? Yes, and knowing that they are set for a grad programme at PwC as soon as they graduate certainly gives them a few extra points in the hotness category, so I give it a 9/10. Likelihood of avoiding disgust? Well, there are few things more upsetting than realising a potential match is studying theoretical physics, but nothing compares to the conversations one has on Bumble, Tinder or Hinge, so LinkedIn gets an 8/10. After browsing LinkedIn, you may feel self-conscious about your achievements, but you’ll leave with a solid list of people to look out for! And dating is very much still on the table after spending a good 20 minutes on the app, so I give it a 4/5 in final impressions. Ultimately, LinkedIn is victorious with a score of 29/35.
In this technological world, it is about time that we remove the dating app taboo and realise that you won’t be the only one telling your future kids that you met their other parent through Tinder. It is what it is. Truthfully, I’ve met much more concerning people when asked out in coffee shops or class, so it is about time that we get off our high horses, create a dating profile and embrace the fact that your future partner may already be chatting up people (or you) through these apps.
