On social media, self-care sells, and the discourse of the day is the notion that you do not owe anyone a single thing. Looking up examples to pull for this article, the phrase auto-completed itself in every search bar. I was greeted with streams of pastel-toned infographics, their clean-lined calligraphy informing us boldly that “you don’t owe anyone anything”. Thousands of tweets delivering the same message begin: “I don’t know who needs to hear this, but…” Such a sentiment hasn’t remained within the confines of our online world, either. More and more, the idea that we owe nothing to anyone is being thrown around in everyday conversation, be it an argument with a friend or a conclusive statement about protecting one’s peace. As prevalent as it seems to be, this notion is one I must wholeheartedly disagree with.
I think that two key cultural conditions have led to the salience of this phrase. The first is the internet’s bastardisation of therapy terminology. In online self-care discourse, many discussions begin surrounding legitimately useful psychological language. However, as with much language on the internet, these ideas become quickly estranged from their original meanings, pieces of context and layers of nuance lost between every post. One example is the term “gaslighting”, a form of psychological abuse that leaves victims questioning their sanity, devolving into another term for “lying” through online misuse. As with an understanding of any therapeutic advice, realising that you do not owe someone a particular thing can be genuinely empowering to certain individuals. From those in unhealthy relationships, to individuals with people-pleasing tendencies, to realising you do not owe your boss labour outside of your contracted hours. The issue with this online platitude arises when we apply this sweeping statement to all cases – cases in which maybe, certain conduct is due.
Secondly, the “you don’t owe anyone anything” mentality appeals particularly to our over-individualised culture. The notion of community has been under threat for centuries. As Western societies move increasingly further from collectivist culture, our ever-growing autonomy has pushed us away from our peers, physically and emotionally. Today, we believe we should consider our families and wider communities less in our conduct than ever before. The fact is, however, to live without others is truly impossible. A world that believes we owe each other nothing is one desperately removed from the realities of the networks that keep us going every day. Without others producing our food, clothes, housing, and medicines, the means of our very survival, none of us would be here at all. This goes for our interpersonal lives, too. In an interview for the 2018 Louisiana Literature festival, author Sally Rooney stated on such ideas: “The idea that you can move through the world as a self-sustaining individual, it’s a fiction.” We are social animals by design, and in all social interactions, those we interact with must be considered.
In fact, the question of what we owe to one another is the basis of morality itself. In his book What We Owe to Each Other, philosopher T. M. Scanlon presents the concept of contractualism, defining interactions as moral when participants act in ways that neither party could reasonably object to. Separately, in Kwame Anthony Appiah’s The Politics of Identity, he discusses “morality – by which I mean what we owe to one another”. He states that in leading our individual lives “we need other people: respect for individuality is not an endorsement of individualism”. While stating that “you don’t owe anyone anything” is far from true, we are still individuals with our own life course to follow. Acting true to our individuality, however, does not require us to act in ways towards others that they could validly object to. Our options for conduct in social interaction are limitless. Maybe the answer to the question of what we owe one another is not one of everything-or-nothing, but something unique to each of the varied relationships we experience throughout our lives.
While the idea that we do not owe anybody anything would be a quick fix for all social tensions, this same notion is what robs us of social connection in the first place. Mutual respect and genuine good will towards one another are the foundations of all fruitful relationships, and I am so lucky to owe so much to so many for the community they have brought me. While there is no debt collector showing up at our doors to tell us what we owe to one another, there shouldn’t have to be. In fact, in all of my most cherished friendships, we go far beyond the contractionalist ideas of what can be reasonably expected of one another. My friends surprise me with coffees in the library and send me texts when something reminds them of me. They walk me home from parties, they celebrate my highs, and they don’t leave my side in tougher times. While I would never expect such generosity, these little gifts of time, effort, and headspace sustain us. They bring the kind of joy I would hope I can give back to others. These things we do not owe, but choose to give anyway, are maybe the most precious gifts of all.
