There is a spectre that often haunts relationships. It lurks beneath the surface of the one you love, like a parasite hijacking their brain. It rewires their thoughts and redirects their affections and eventually turns on you. The scariest part is that the process is near undetectable. After all, you trust this person. You believe them when they forgive you. You trust them when they say they’re okay. And you don’t realise it was all a lie until it’s too late.
“When we feel hard done by, especially by someone we care about, the resulting resentment can be a hard thing to shake”
We all harbour resentment, and I don’t fault anyone for doing so. When we feel hard done by, especially by someone we care about, the resulting resentment can be a hard thing to shake. We hold grudges because our feelings of genuine hurt have not been adequately addressed. But what about the injury that hiding these grievances may cause? What about when this perpetuates a perennial cycle of emotional harm?
“Surely we owe our partners an insight into the indignation that brews, rather than simply leaving them clueless as to why we act so coldly”
In keeping our bitterness to ourselves, we place an unrelenting strain on our relationships. Imagine a nightmarish scenario. You are in the arms of the one you love or hate (you can’t quite decide), you feel ill at ease as you recall all the disrespect they’ve displayed towards you, questioning why you’re even with someone who hurt you so badly and hasn’t even asked for your forgiveness. But how does your oblivious counterpart feel as you tense in response to their touch, as you recoil when they’re just trying to reach out? Surely we owe our partners an insight into the indignation that brews, rather than simply leaving them clueless as to why we act so coldly.
Or, you could consider the damage done when the secret is revealed, but far too late in the game. Put yourself in the initial offender’s shoes this time. You think you are completely in the green with this person, after all, they haven’t told you otherwise. But take one wrong step and they launch a polemic against you, attacking your innumerable flaws and detailing all the terrible things you’ve been doing since day one. The immediate response is, “Why am I only learning about this now?”, quickly succeeded by “What else are you hiding from me? Just how much of me do you despise?” You can only keep your shock, and displeasure, a secret for so long. Once the cat is out of the bag, distrust is sowed and the relationship becomes even more impervious to repair.
This is not to say everything can be solved by merely talking about what’s bothering us. I recall a conversation I had with my first boyfriend, during which I told him I was finding it hard to let go of the pain he had caused me in the past. He told me, essentially, that he had explained his behaviour and said sorry. It was up to me now whether I wanted to forget about it, or allow our relationship to deteriorate because I couldn’t let go. He had a point, but I think he was lacking insight into a crucial aspect of forgiveness.
When we open up about our hurt feelings, we hope for a heartfelt response. We are not looking for an unenthusiastic apology, or a play-by-play explanation of why this person did the harmful thing. We are looking to be listened to and understood. We want the offender to realise the hurt they have caused, and to feel remorse accordingly. Most of all, we want a response that creates space for forgiveness. Opening up about your grudges means you want to move on from them. You are giving this person the chance to repent because you want the relationship to proliferate. If you want to maintain a relationship with someone in the long term, you have to address your hurt head on, no matter how uncomfortable you worry it might be.
If we want to give our relationships the best shot, we ought to confide our sorrows and aim to release our feelings of resentment, no matter how scary that may seem. Opening up is daunting. There is always the fear of coming across as antagonistic and as such destroying the very relationship we seek to save. But I have found that most people are open to working with their partners, and eager to grow and change alongside them. We can’t expect people to read our minds, to know precisely what we want, or what exactly irks us. But if we open up about our emotions, we can expect the people we trust to listen.
Of course, we sometimes hold onto grudges for good reason. The offence may be too great, or maybe they hurt you one too many times, or maybe a larger incompatibility has been revealed within your relationship. Whatever the reason, if you cannot resolve your dissatisfaction then it is a sign to move on from this person.
“You get to decide who wins, the grudge or the relationship”
Grudges are an unavoidable part of life, whether we find ourselves being the subject or object of one. They teach us things about ourselves and each other, and what we value in a relationship. The best thing we can do in response to a grudge is embrace it. Hear what it has to say. But don’t just accept its words – be critical about it. You get to decide who wins, the grudge or the relationship. It’s up to you.
