Growing up, movies became my first guide to relationships. Like many, I looked to 90’s romance films for hints of what love could, or should, look like. When I think back about the films that I watched and rewatched, those which formed my earliest ideas about love, they are primarily Notting Hill, Four Weddings and a Funeral, and How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.
“Watching 90s romantic comedies shaped my impression of relationships, but they also presented an idealised view that reality rarely matched”
Watching 90s romantic comedies shaped my impression of relationships, but they also presented an idealised view that reality rarely matched. In Notting Hill, for example, we watch the story of a famous actress and a regular bookstore owner fall in love. Yet, despite its charm, the relationship portrayed is far from grounded. The characters barely know each other, yet they’re willing to forgive and overlook enormous red flags. The actress repeatedly dismisses and hurts the main character, who inexplicably forgives her each time. There’s a continuous cycle of longing and misunderstandings, yet the movie ends with a “happily ever after.” Looking back, it’s hard not to question if this is a healthy portrayal—especially when trust seems to be missing from their relationship. Yet, for many, including myself, this pattern became symbolic of what romance might entail.
“In reality, consistent care and understanding are far more sustainable foundations for relationships”
Four Weddings and a Funeral provides another example of these larger-than-life expectations of love. In this story, two characters meet sporadically at, as the title suggests, four weddings and a funeral. After a few brief encounters, they decide they’re in love, a sentiment largely expressed through grand gestures and confessions. While passionate, it also creates a skewed expectation that love must be dramatic, or filled with bold proclamations, to be real. Such portrayals suggest that deep love is proven by monumental gestures—when, in reality, consistent care and understanding are far more sustainable foundations for relationships.
Perhaps the most playful of the lot, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days stands out for its satirical take on relationship dynamics. Though exaggerated and comical, it does offer a hint of reality by showcasing the quirks and frustrations that can arise in relationships. The storyline is far-fetched—a couple brought together by a bet and antics—but there’s an acknowledgment that much of the behaviour depicted is wildly problematic and should not be tolerated in real relationships. In its own way, the film hints at the importance of healthy boundaries, even if it’s wrapped up in a whirlwind of humour and absurdity.
In recent years, movies have begun to shift away from the “love conquers all” trope to portray more realistic and nuanced relationships. La La Land stands out as a striking example of this shift. The film tells the story of two people deeply in love, but torn between their relationship and their individual dreams. It paints a vivid picture of the sacrifices and tensions that come with balancing personal ambition and love—a choice that many young people face as they navigate their careers. Watching La La Land from the perspective of being in a relationship added a bittersweet layer to the experience. The movie resonates because it doesn’t romanticise a perfect solution; it simply presents a story in which love is powerful, but so are dreams. The ending is neither fully happy nor tragic, but rather captures the lingering “what ifs” that come with life’s pivotal choices.
Another recent example that resonates for its raw honesty is Normal People, based on Sally Rooney’s novel. The story follows two young people through the highs and lows of love, portraying an intensely realistic, if at times heavy, relationship. What sets Normal People apart is its emphasis on the often-unseen complexities of relationships—the awkward conversations, the insecurities, the conflicts that arise from personal insecurities and past trauma. It also portrays the struggles of having a meaningful relationship at a young age, when both people are still figuring out who they are independently. This realism is refreshing compared to the “soulmate” trope of earlier rom-coms, and it resonates because it’s deeply relatable. For many, Normal People shed a light on the fact that relationships aren’t always about grand gestures; often, they’re about being there for your partner, working through challenges, and growing together.
Reflecting on these films, it’s clear that the media has played an ambivalent role in shaping our ideas about love. The rom-coms of the past presented love as grand and all-encompassing, but they also set us up for disappointment, giving us unrealistic expectations. More recent portrayals like La La Land and Normal People offer a healthier, albeit sometimes painful, perspective. They remind us that love is multifaceted and often filled with compromise and heartbreak.
“Relationships are rarely as cinematic as movies make them seem”
The media can be both a blessing and a curse when it comes to understanding love. Though it offers glimpses of happy ever after, it’s essential to approach these portrayals critically. Relationships are rarely as cinematic as movies make them seem, and recognizing this can free us from the pressures of matching on-screen ideals. Instead, perhaps the best takeaway is to appreciate these stories for what they are: reflections on love’s many forms, each carrying a lesson about the beauty and messiness of being human.
