As the honeymoon phase entered its twilight in my last relationship, I remember her asking me if I was doing anything one night. I was not, and plans were made for me to go over to her place around eight for dinner. I had been studying for exams all day up until that point, and decided to take a little nap before I went over. I thought I would sleep an hour at most, so one can imagine my panic when I woke up close to ten. I didn’t even bother checking my phone until I had sprinted to the Luas and was safely on the way to her place. Once I had checked my phone, however, I made sure to get off at the next stop and begin my walk home. She had rather curtly told me that my dinner was cold and that she had other things to do anyway, and not to bother coming.
Once we had permanently separated, I often thought back to that moment: if I had only gone over on time, if I had had the foresight to bring some flowers to replace the dead ones she had on her dining table, if only I had the thoughtfulness to see she was trying a new recipe and to pay her a compliment on it no matter how it tasted … maybe then things would have been different. Perhaps then she would love me for the man I was trying to be and not for who I actually was.
“Life can never be diluted into the consequences of one mistake, no matter how big it might be”
The problem with this logic is simple: it just isn’t true. Life can never be diluted into the consequences of one mistake, no matter how big it might be. Even so, the grieving process heavily involves second-guessing and bargaining just like this. Bargaining is a common occurrence during the grieving process, and like all the other five stages, may take varying roles in one’s healing. In a relationship context, anger, depression, and denial are all fairly easy to identify on one’s own and by others. It is the bargaining phase, however, which I feel has eluded many people, including myself.
Bargaining, to many, may just feel like a glossed-over phase that only applies to those whose grief is somehow transactional, like having your car repossessed or losing your job. However, bargaining takes many forms. It is possible to bargain with fate, with a god, and especially with yourself. The only thing the bargaining phase truly has in common across the board is that it’s always a bad idea.
The bargaining phase will often involve feeling guilty or ashamed of your thoughts or actions; feeling scared, insecure, or anxious, and ruminating over what could have been. The most insidious form of bargaining, however, is likely that of self-deprecation. Many may hold themselves responsible or punish themselves for the existing circumstances in an effort to blame what happened on something that is familiar, or that can be changed. However, blindly disparaging yourself as a way to prove somehow that what happened made sense, makes no sense at all. The thoughts for many will read something like: “Of course it happened, who would want to stay in a relationship with me?” It could involve calling yourself names, oversimplifying yourself, or ballooning your flaws. There are, of course, situations where the person that is at fault is clear, such as with cases of infidelity. Yet when it comes to two people simply not making sense together anymore, not overthinking is essential. Simply dismissing all that happened as a personal issue is often not only wrong, but downright dangerous.
“Why give them what they never asked for only after they are gone?”
Of course, pretty much every single form of corner-cutting mental gymnastics you can take part in to avoid confronting what is true is inadvisable, whether it be comparing yourself to others, trying to predict the future, or getting sucked into endless wishful thinking and “what if?” scenarios. There is no miracle coming to save you; at least, not the miracle you imagine. In all likelihood, they will not come back even if you start working out, volunteering, or making more money. In the same way, they will probably not realise that you are indeed the love of their life after some Christmas-Carol-esque dream or all-inclusive meditation retreat in Thailand. Unlike almost everything else, basic economics does not decide relationships that are worth saving. People do not love in the truest sense for any reason other than that they just do, without trying, without wanting anything in return. So why give them what they never asked for only after they are gone? To quote Dwight Schrute from the American version of The Office: “Not everything’s a lesson … sometimes you just fail.”
“One must grieve as if there is no hope”
If you began this article hoping for more soothing advice, then I should apologise. I mean no offence. Relationships do sometimes recover, of course, but to plan your grieving process around that possibility is bargaining in its purest form. One must grieve as if there is no hope, only then can they achieve true emotional recovery. If you are looking for soothing words, I offer these: remind yourself that you still exist in a unique, separate way from your relationship. When it comes to your grieving process, whatever it may be, accept it. The bargaining process, however it may look for you, is perfectly normal, even if it isn’t all that healthy. So get some emotional distance between yourself and these thoughts. Talk to a friend, write it down, get it out of your head and put it out in the open. It is easier to confront when you’re facing it head-on, rather than when it’s inside you. Remember what you can control as well. Often, you cannot help these bargaining thoughts, but you can control other things – your breath, for example. When one focuses on what they control, they accept the reality of their situation, anything else is bargaining and therefore delays the achievement of healthy and productive acceptance of one’s situation. Plus, if you think about it, waiting around for them to accept that you are the one for them will be just as painful (if not more so) as forcing yourself to get over them: as George Bernard Shaw once put it: “Life contains but two tragedies, one is not to get your heart’s desire, the other is to get it.” So don’t wait until your former partner has permitted you to move on. As soon as it is over, move on immediately and continue on mercilessly until you are yourself again. You will thank yourself later.
