In a world of situationships, one-night stands, and terrible Hinge dates, our friends often become the most constant and enduring relationships in our lives. It’s natural that when a relationship is developing romantically, we turn to friends for advice and rationality, or, in my case, in hopes that they will encourage and support my irrationality. Oftentimes, however, we use them as a sounding board for all of our grievances with our romantic life and partners. By doing this, do we run the risk of neglecting to be open about the positive parts of our romantic lives? Will our friends ever truly get to know our partners? If we tell our friends more than we tell our partners, can we expect full trust and transparency within our relationships?
It can be easy to vent about our partners to our friends. Even when we are wrong and our partners are right, our friends will provide the short-term heroising of us and villainising of them. This of course releases some momentary catharsis, but when we focus on the negative or withhold information, we deny our friends the opportunity to truly get to know our partners. When our friends criticise the actions of our partners, we have to consider whether they are judging the actions or if their unwavering loyalty to us is skewing their perception of them, holding them to a higher moral standard.
I have had partners who never bought me a birthday card and others who acted as the re-birth of Hugh Grant, only to later admit they never wanted anything “serious” and, like many, have rightly received that look from my friends when discussing my romantic life. The exasperated sigh, the half eye roll, the pitiful headshake. The look that my friends know I would give them too, and would even be harsher in many cases.
This look is usually non-judgemental of us, and rather of our partner’s behaviour, but it can be a tough pill to swallow regardless when it feels as though our friends, who are our biggest supporters, are not in support of our relationship. Although they have our best interests at heart, it can lead to being dissuaded from talking about our romantic lives. And rather than trying to get your pals back on side, it can often be easier to stop talking about our partners altogether; to create that distance, and potentially avoid an “I told you so” moment.
Not only does what we discuss with our friends have an impact on our relationship with them, but also on our relationship with our partners. I have often thought about how much I’ve shared with my friends about my partners. I have on many occasions expressed relationship woes with my friends even when I have not yet discussed them with my partner. And upon reflection, it doesn’t seem entirely fair that they be scrutinised externally for problems that have not yet been discussed internally. In an attempt to destigmatise issues that arise in a relationship, we can over-disclose personal or private matters, especially when it comes to sex. Although sex can be something that is individual, and we are more than entitled to share our experiences with our friends, I think it is important to reassess how much of this shared experience we have ownership over, and at what point we may have crossed our partner’s boundaries and masked it as innocent “oversharing”.
If our friends know more about how we are truly feeling within our relationship than our partner, we can’t expect positive change. It also puts our partners in a difficult position in terms of how they interact with our closest friends. It cannot be easy walking into a party not knowing the attendees very well, but being aware that they know a lot about you. Where you store your condoms in your room, your entire relationship history, and problems in your sex life that you weren’t even aware of.
There is no one-size-fits-all answer for how much we should or shouldn’t share about our relationship with our friends. We should in theory be able to share as much or as little as we like. But no matter how well-rounded and nuanced our explanations are, there is nothing that can fully capture what it is actually like to be in the relationship; not even ten “you’d understand if you knew him like I do” disclaimers in two minutes.
I have been the person absolutely thrilled when a friend got themselves out of a relationship with a man I never liked, but also the person whose friends were equally thrilled when I ended my relationship with a man they never liked. I’ve learned from both experiences that of course we care about the opinions of our friends, and they care about ours. But ultimately, seeking too much external advice and intervention in our relationship can create a confusing and challenging dynamic between us, our friends, and our partner. Nobody wants to act as a mediator between our friends and our partners.
We are so used to sharing every detail of our lives with our friends, but when it comes to relationships, there are some things that are better off discussed within it before we seek external advice. Our relationships are our responsibility and sometimes it is better to make the mistakes and learn from them on our own, rather than preemptively over analysing them with our friends before we’ve had a chance to figure things out. And no matter what, I know that when it comes to an end and I’m sobbing in too public a place saying something along the lines of “I should’ve seen this coming”, my friends will not respond with “I told you so” but rather “there’s no way anyone could have predicted this!”. I’ll know they’re lying of course, but it will still offer the comfort I need and act as a reminder of who my most unconditional and powerful relationship is with; my friends. (And, honourable mention, that one Jacob Elordi Tiktok edit. I know you know the one.)
