It was almost three years ago that I sat my leaving certificate exams, bringing to a close over a decade of combined primary and secondary school education. Unlike many students, my final days of school did not culminate in a celebration of academic achievement or a big night out with friends. Instead, I breathed a quiet sigh of relief, thankful that the years of relentless bullying and isolation by my peers was in the rear view mirror. Suffice it to say, the expression; ‘your school years are the best years of your life’, was certainly not one that resonated with me.
Being many years removed from my school days, I now have the capacity to reflect on and understand this chapter of my life with more clarity. However, holding a magnifying glass over old wounds doesn’t mean ruminating over them, but instead seeing them as necessary prerequisites for essential character development. Physical and emotional distance has been crucial for me to capture the transformation I have undergone since leaving home, but so too have the people in my life who made that change possible. Although, it is often not highlighted how hard such change can be to execute in the face of entrenched negative self-perceptions.
“Unfortunately, school bullying is not a unique story, in fact, for many it is painfully familiar”
Unfortunately, school bullying is not a unique story, in fact, for many it is painfully familiar. However, its social prevalence should by no means dilute its impact. Regardless of the form it takes, the consequences are always devastating. Personally, the gradual exclusion, reputation destruction and intimidation were enough to sow the seeds of doubt in my own sense of self-worth and self-respect. My desperation to ‘fit in’ meant I would sacrifice anything, just as long as I didn’t feel inadequate to my peers. Particularly in the insular and judgemental confines of my rural west Mayo town, the pressure to conform was one which was always at the forefront of my mind.
“The gradual exclusion, reputation destruction and intimidation were enough to sow seeds of doubt”
As a result, my character shrank, both physically and emotionally. My presence, posture, tone of voice and confidence were projections of my deep insecurity and low self-image. As is no doubt known, bullying doesn’t stop at the school gates, and my experience was no different. I felt as if there was no safe place to retreat and be authentic, as intimidation and threats followed me home and haunted me online. At this point, I knew that leaving this toxic environment was not just a desire, but a necessity for survival – college was going to be my escape.
“I felt as if there was no safe place to retreat and be authentic”
However, starting over was not as simple as changing my eircode. My expectations of being immediately liberated upon moving out failed to materialise. My first year and a half in Dublin was punctuated by characteristic reclusiveness and caution of new people, expecting the same pattern of behaviour I had become all too familiar with from my school peers. Compounding my anxiety was the transition from rural country life to Dublin’s bustling urban core, which took a lot of adjusting to. I was yet again in ‘self-defence’ mode, wondering if I really fit in amongst this new cohort of people I so relentlessly yearned to be a part of.
“However, starting over was not as simple as changing my eircode”
While settling into my true self was a slow and arduous process, it was immensely helped by the people who surrounded me. From coursemates to flatmates to friends of friends; these people gave me much needed room to grow and were incredibly patient when I was slow to open up. The lack of personal prodding and judgement, a far cry from what I had grown accustomed to at school, was as unfamiliar as it was rejuvenating. To be given space when it was needed, laughter in times of despair and kindness when it was least expected, made me redefine what friendship meant.
That is not to say that things were always plain-sailing. As is routine throughout life, friendships don’t always last, relationships end and people drift apart. However, college showed me that these events don’t have to be explosively confrontational or end dramatically, as they did in school. Often, relationships with our peers simply fizzle out or run their course. I witnessed a level of maturity that I had not seen up until this point, where mutual respect and privacy trumped one-upmanship or publicly dragging other people down. This was true even in cases of conflict resolution or dealing with issues between friends, which was yet another encouraging sign for me to become more comfortable in college life.
Unlike school, college fosters an open-minded, liberal ethos of individuality and self-expression. After integrating into a healthy friend group and becoming more familiar with the college ecosystem, I have never felt more like my authentic self; unencumbered by peer pressure and fear. For the first time in my adult life, I had the permission and empowerment to pursue my social and intellectual goals in a supportive environment, free from judgement and repercussions simply because I do not conform to strict social expectations.
“I have never felt more like my authentic self; unencumbered by peer pressure and fear”
It is difficult to imagine what life would be like if I had not left home. I suspect my childhood experiences would have continued to define me, cementing my character as one defined by inadequacy and self-loathing. However, looking back from a better place, I can conclusively say that I am forever grateful for the opportunity I was given to rewrite my script, allowing me to discover the parts of myself that went repressed for so long.
Although wounds inflicted by years of bullying never fully disappear, I believe they make us stronger and better people for having overcome them. Growth is not always glamorous; sometimes it looks like courage, resilience and rebuilding trust in ourselves and our peers. While my school years may not have been the best years of my life, what I discovered in their aftermath was something invaluable and well worth fighting for – a version of myself that would make an eighteen year old me proud.
