Provost Patrick Prendergast is set to release a commemorative merchandise line to mark the end of his decade-long provostship, Trinity News can reveal.
It is understood that proceeds from the merchandise will be put towards a personal real estate investment after his eviction from 1 Grafton Street at the end of July.
Documents presented to College Board and seen by Trinity News detail a range of items to be produced for the line, which the Board has approved as a write-off expense.
Students will be able to purchase graduation caps, socks and ties with Prendergast’s face emblazoned on them.
The official dress code for graduation ceremonies, both remote and in-person, has been updated to mandate the wearing of at least one item from the line before a student will be allowed to graduate.
For the avid collector, tea towels, plates and face masks with the provost’s image will also be included in the merch line.
Prices start at €29.99 for a “#PaddyPower #TenMoreYears” laptop sticker and range to €999.99 for a limited edition business card signed by the man himself with a phone number for Academic Registry that will allow the lucky holder to speak to a human.
A spokesperson for Prendergast said that the merch would give students the opportunity to hold a “piece of Paddy in their hearts”. This will literally be the case for those who avail of the Paddy-P-Pacemaker which is selling for the bargain price of €899.99 (not including installation).
“So far, the provost has only been able to reach students over screens during this difficult year,” the spokesperson said.
“Unfortunately, viewership numbers on livestreams seem to have dwindled – must be an internet problem. With the upcoming merch line, students will be able to carry the provost with them on their keychains, on their heads, and in their hearts.”
“It kind of feels like we’re losing Princess Diana all over again – it makes me sad, so I need a plate with his face to hang on my wall.”
“He’s leaving us, but at least he’ll still be out there somewhere. Maybe he’ll pull a Simon Harris next and start a TikTok – the world is his oyster.”
The new merchandise line comes as part of a slew of plans detailed in the documents sent to Board to mark the end of Prendergast’s long, toxic love affair with Trinity.
The flagship event will be a musical performance by Prendergast giving a parting ode to Trinity to the tune of Don’t Cry For Me Argentina on the steps of the Dining Hall.
The Trinitones, who will be providing back up vocals, said they were “looking forward to the event and have not been blackmailed into participating”.
The performance is being livestreamed and has been scheduled as a “special treat” for students to replace Trinity Ball.
Under accommodation measures for assessments to mitigate the impact of Covid-19, students may submit a detailed review of the performance and publish it on their social media pages in place of sitting exams.
Speaking to Trinity News, TCDSU President Eoin Hand said he would proudly wear the merch line’s Paddy P Lapel Pin to all future union events and that he’ll be sad to see the provost go.
“The highlight of my time as TCDSU President was when Paddy and I grew mustaches together for Movember,” Hand said.
“We were a real duo – he was the father figure, I brought the boyish charm.”
“Do you think I could get funding for a merch line?” Hand said. “Hang on, I need to go write up a motion for Council.”
This article is satirical in nature and is not is based on fact or true events.