College has announced that the upcoming Trinity Ball, due to take place this Friday April 7, has been cancelled. In a statement released to Trinity News today, Provost Patrick Prendergast said: “Unfortunately I must announce the cancellation of this year’s Trinity Ball due to reasons beyond our control.”
Much to the disappointment of Dublin’s drug dealers, all 10,000 students in possession of tickets will be refunded the full price of €80.
Trinity College Dublin Students’ Union (TCDSU) Ents Officer, Porridge Rollies, said to Trinity News: “They’re a pile of fuckers like. This is literally the only thing I’ll be remembered for. I hate Paddy P!”
It has been suggested that Provost Patrick Prendergast has cancelled the ball due to his recent move outside of campus. Speaking exclusively to Trinity News, Prendergast said: “Ah sure, it’s not worth it if I can’t slip back up to the oul gaff and get more wine. Wouldn’t want to be sober by 1am.” It is believed that College denied a request to hold the ball in Prendergast’s new apartment.
However, other sources have revealed that an administration error on the part of the TCDSU Ents Officer may have been at fault. A member of the Ents committee admitted: “Yeah I think he slept in the morning the official forms were due. Ah well, that’s Porridge, he’s a complete legend!”
An anonymous source, TCDSU President Kieran McNulty, was heard whispering: “Jesus Padraic, he can’t do anything right. He’s like a dog that needs constant attention. Sometimes I wish Caolan Maher had been elected, at least I would’ve got cans all the time.”
McNulty also said that plans were already in place to launch an SU Campaign on the issue. “Following the success of the #EducationIs march and the Strike for Repeal, I can now announce the creation of Students Against TBall Cancellation. We will march on College and demand that they cannot treat students this way. Everyone wear glitter in solidarity.”
One second year BESS student spoke to Trinity News about the matter: “Fuck’s sake, all I wanted to do is get absolutely yipped and forget that I’m failing Sociology. Guess I’ll just go to Ayia Napa for the fifth time instead.”
A first year Law and Politics student said: “I’ve spent the last month doing research and listening to these crap unknown acts so I can sound really cool when I’m trying to shift that blonde one in my economics tutorial. Now it’s all gone to waste.”
College did not reply to a request for comment.