The ten most Trinity Christmas presents you could get

From smoking pipes to croquet mallets, Hugh Whelan informs us about the ultimate Trinity Christmas gifts

Illustration: Sarah Larragy


The Christmas season is upon us. One of the perks of this joyous time are the presents. A Trinity Christmas gift is extra-special, and here is the definitive list of what you can expect to receive as a Trinity student.

  1. Trinity Gift Shop Jumper

Kicking things off, we have this unique item of attire reserved exclusively for tourists and the certain Trinity student who feels the need to remind us that they do, in fact, study at Trinity. This is a gift that both students within Trinity and those from outside can expect to receive – the logic of the latter being that even if you didn’t go to Trinity, at least you can wear one of these and pretend you were blessed enough to have done so.

Edgy/Alt: 4/10

Usefulness: 6/10

  1. Pipe

Unfortunately, smoking rollies doesn’t cut it anymore if you want to be cool these days. You can expect this avant-garde gift from your Trinity friend who has now become embarrassed by your smoking habits and wants to help improve your look. This is a gift that is sure to impress in the smoking area in Workman’s, however impractical it is to use.

Edgy/Alt: 8/10

Usefulness: 3/10

  1. Tweed Jacket

You’ve seen your cool Trinity friend sport one of these, and now they’re going to bless you with one too. High fashion around campus, these jackets are multi-functional: they’re warm, and they give the impression that you know what you’re doing even when you don’t. Pair this with a pipe and you’re set to win the Nobel Prize for Alternativeness.

Edgy/Alt: 7/10

Usefulness: 8/10

  1. Croquet Mallet

A croquet mallet is the must-have Trinity gift this Christmas. Croquet in Trinity raises many questions: what are the rules, and what self-respecting person actually plays this batty hammer-based game? The mystery surrounding croquet gives it a very edgy feel, and if you have any friends of “the right sort” in Trinity, you can expect this to come your way.

Edgy/Alt: 9/10

Usefulness, 2/10

  1. Vegan Cookbook

If you’re not vegan and you don’t have one of these already, you can be damn sure that you’ll be getting one this Christmas. Veganism is definitely in, and turkey for Christmas dinner most definitely out. There’s no arguing with the fact that this gift is both good for the planet and fills the alt quota.

Edgy/Alt: 8/10

Usefulness: 7/10

  1. A random vinyl from a band no one has heard of

Your Trinity Christmas wouldn’t be complete without listening to a scratchy vinyl. Regardless of whether you have a record player or not, you’ll be getting one of these. Owning a vinyl is about hanging it on your wall, and the playing of them is irrelevant. The key here is that if you have heard of the band, the Trinity student has let you down – down with The XX and Alt-J vinyls, and herald the arrival of That Band You’ve Never Heard Of.

Edgy/Alt: 9.5/10

Usefulness: 1/10

  1. Vintage Windbreaker Jacket

You’ve seen them, you’ve wondered how to get them, but fear not – any self-respecting Trinity student will be getting one of these this Christmas. The bright colours and ridiculous oversizing literally scream Trinity, and if you don’t smoke rollies wearing this snazzy item outside the Arts Block, frankly, you should drop out.

Edgy/Alt: 10/10

Usefulness: 6/10

  1. A framed photo of them in front of the Campanile

How else can your Trinity friend remind you that they go to Trinity, but with a photo of them in front of the most-overused photo op on campus? For many Trinity students, giving this gift is a simple task of printing out and framing a copy of their Facebook profile picture. Families of Trinity students be warned – if you don’t already have this framed photo on your mantelpiece, you soon will.

Edgy/Alt: 1/10

Usefulness: 2/10

  1. A voucher for Nine Crows

It’s simple: this is where the Arts Block uniform comes from, and this gift would be a classic to receive from any cool and hip Trinity student. Deck yourself out in a classic Adidas and return to campus a changed person. This gift epitomises the Trinity aesthetic.

Edgy/Alt: 10/10

Usefulness: 9/10

  1. Repeal jumper

Topping our list is the renowned Repeal project jumper. It’s rumoured that you’re not actually recognised as a Trinity student unless you have one. This is the number one Trinity gift you can expect this Christmas. Warm, comfy, in aid of a good cause, and also incredibly cool and alternative: if you’re looking for the definitive Trinity gift, you’ve found it.

Edgy/Alt: 11/10

Usefulness: 10/10

Hugh Whelan

Hugh Whelan is the current Comment Editor of Trinity News. He is a Senior Sophister English Literature and Film Studies student.