Ask the Trinity Collidge agony aunt

Trinity News’ resident agony aunt Michael McDermott, of Trinity Collidge fame, is here to help

Can you help me with my homework?

Buddy, I can barely manage my own homework.

When I open some of the old library books a face appears from the text and screams at me: “You’re stupid! You’re going to get a 2.2!” I’ve notified the librarians to the problem but they don’t believe me and keep looking at me funny when I collect books from Stacks. Please advise.

Ah, I see you’ve met Freddy. He appears when you open certain psychology books up the wrong way: reverse psychology if you will. This is to be taken as a challenge rather than a prediction, and is intended to make you work harder to prove him wrong.

I always feel like I’m missing out because I’m not in any societies. But when I do try, it feels like I’m trying to break into a clique. Any advice?

Some of the larger societies can definitely have a bit of a clique already built in, or so I hear – I’m not even at the level where the clique lets me know it exists. It’s sometimes better to just find a smaller society that caters to more niche interests. They’re easier to break into and generally more chill. You could even try and find some like-minded people and form your own society! I had wanted to set up a society that consisted of doing nothing but getting drunk and sharing memes, but the CSC told me that DU Alternative Music Society already had that covered.

My friends in college don’t approve of my waifu pillow. How do I win these bigots over?

Not everybody can change their mind. I suggest you join either the Japanese Society or Gamers to find kindred spirits.

My mum has always used the same lasagne recipe throughout my life. I’ve never had the heart to tell her I don’t like it. In fact, I’ve always made out that I am a big fan of it. It seems like the more I praise it, the more she makes it, and I am running out of ways to secretly dispose of my serving of the lasagne during meal times. It feels like I’ve kept up the lie for so long that it would really hurt her if I told her the truth. Please help me put a permanent end to this.

Let me tell you a little story. There was once a cliff and a bird who made her nest on the cliff face. The cliff provided the bird with a place to make her nest and care for her young. The bird would eat the insects and weeds that grew between the rock on the cliff, which ultimately compromised the integrity of the structure. Over the years, the cliff and the bird became great friends and depended on each other. There would occasionally be very high tides and waves, which would reach up to the top of the cliff face and cause most birds to flee. But this particular bird was unafraid, and would stand by her friend. One year, the tide came unusually high, and the waves were unusually fierce. The cliff feared for his bird friend’s safety, but did not want her to leave it alone, as it would fall into ruin with the insects and weeds. The bird also feared for its own safety and the safety of its eggs in the nest. But it did not want to leave the cliff all on its own, as it had given her refuge for so many years. So the bird stayed, even as the tide reached higher and higher. It became clear that the waves were approaching the rocks where the bird had made its nest. Both the bird and cliff knew it would be best for the bird to leave, but neither wanted to end this friendship. Finally, with the spray from the waves splashing against the bird’s nest, a mermaid arose from the waters. She had beautiful silver hair, and a kindly but very pale face. She spoke to the cliff and the bird in a soft voice: “This story isn’t going anywhere. Just tell your mother you don’t like the damn lasagne.”

What’s the best process for crying on campus?

My contract with Trinity News requires I remind you of an article they published in their last issue regarding the top places to cry on campus. Personally, I find the best place to break down into tears is The Buttery. If you sit there crying long enough, they will offer you a free portion of chips on the condition that you move elsewhere.

How do I get Schols. Schols me now. Give me Schols. Schols.

Schols can offer a great opportunity to some students. Either you study for them but fail, in which case you’ve at least put in effort that will help you in your normal exams. Or you manage to get Schols and you now get free meals, a free place to live on campus, and the privilege of calling the Provost “Daddio” without repercussion whenever he crosses your path. You can only do your best and, as long as you put the work in, you’ve accomplished something. I had signed up for Schols, didn’t do any work for them, and decided to go drinking in a different county instead of sitting them. It is generally advisable not to make any of the same decisions that I made during my undergrad.

Why am I so full of hate for tourists?

Tourists can be very annoying. You could be on the fourth floor of the Arts Block on the toilet, and an American with a Southern drawl will knock on your stall and ask you where the Book of Kells is. There’s also the fact that, despite their annoying tendencies, they are a big source of income for College – we would probably be subject to even more money-pinching measures in their absence. So they’re on the borderline between symbiote and parasite.

As a graduating student, I am full of loathing at the fact that I am required to pay €35 to rent a pair of robes for my graduation, as well buying or renting a tuxedo just so I can be deemed acceptable by Trinity and have my picture taken in Front Square where some guy from Iowa will be visible in the background wearing a cowboy hat as well as socks with sandals.