Ask the Trinity Collidge Agony Aunt

The man behind Trinity Collidge, Michael McDermott, is here to answer all your niggling questions

How do I get people to stop bullying me for watching animes?

Based on my limited knowledge of anime, you can ignore them because you are the chosen one or have some hidden ability that will one day save the world and they will fear you.

I’ve been writing an essay over the past couple of days, and when I get tired I see hallucinations of my lecturer doing the Cha Cha slide. What do I do?

Join in. You’ve earned a break.

When I cook, I enter a timeless void. It can take me upwards of two hours to chop a single onion and two bell peppers. It takes me 20 minutes to cook rice, even though I set the timer for ten. I have resorted to meal prepping so as to limit the amount of time I spend in the void, but it still means I waste my entire Sunday cooking things which should only take an hour in normal person time. Can you help me find something to do with my useless superpower?

I don’t think you can call taking much longer than what is reasonable to accomplish basic tasks a superpower. That would mean Trinity’s administration are basically The Avengers. Best you can do is attempt to multitask. Listen to a podcast or Youtube video while you work. I’ve decided to start watching Sky News from the beginning. I’m a few episodes in and I’m really excited to see where this arc with Poland breaking away from the USSR goes.

If you’re interested, I have recently started my own podcast called “Things You Didn’t Know About…” where I basically read the Wikipedia entries of various films, events, and people because that sort of content is all the rage right now.

Dear Agony Aunt, I go to a university that’s not made up from 50% posh pricks, but you have the better meme page. Should I change course?

Choosing a university based on the associated meme page is a bit like choosing your sexual partners based on how funny the quote on their novelty t-shirt is. It’s technically a criteria that can be considered, but it’s not necessarily the best. And financial debt lasts much longer than syphilis.

If you do transfer to Trinity, do let the admin know that it was my page that swayed you. If enough people list me as inspiration, College might start sending me cheques instead of cease and desist letters.

Any tips for an undergrad hoping to go into academia?

First of all, you’ll need to find a professor willing to take you on as a PhD student. I spent much of my undergrad on memes so I wasn’t really academically successful or on the radar of any of my lecturers. I went about baking pies and birthday cakes for everyone I knew that had spaces in their groups as a way of buttering them up. I would also pretend to have a universal donor blood-type and brag about this loudly, hoping they would take me on because it would be useful in the case of an emergency.

Eventually, someone will take pity on you and offer you a position. There are many skills that you must learn at this point, such as nodding your head and saying “I see” at just the right moment for people to think you actually have a clue what they’re talking about. Fake it ‘til you make it.

My S2S mentor is violently pushing me towards Presbyterianism, is this normal in Trinity?

That’s odd as most S2S mentors I’ve met have been Scientologists. It stands for Students to Scientology after all and is their most active recruitment drive in Ireland today. I’m guessing for diversity they are required to have members of other religions and cults.

Trinity has a thriving cult scene, so definitely go out and explore what each has to offer rather than letting anyone push you into it. Aum Shinrikyo do a delightful coffee hour with the remaining Heaven’s Gate members on Thursdays.

Are there any toilets in the Ussher? Because when you are on the fourth floor, it is a real struggle going up and down the stairs.

Having to constantly get up and go to the toilet can waste time and disrupt the rhythm of your work. For about €50, you can ask a medical student to get you set up with a catheter. Colostomy bags are another €20 if you really need it.