How to do T Ball Right

10 Dos and Don’ts from a 2022 survivor

1. For the love of God, do wear proper shoes.

I mean docs, trainers, stompers, even ski boots. Whatever you do, do not wear sandals in some naïve but well intentioned attempt to look dainty in your dress. If you choose to wear heels, I’m afraid you’re transcending from naivete into masochism. This warning is serious fail to heed it and your T Ball afters could be a 22 hour long visit to A&E (this was the penalty I paid last year for my ignorant choice of sandals; the dawgs were not protected against the moshing to which they were subjected).

2. Don’t post an Instagram story with the location set as ‘Trinity Library’.

Trust me pal, it’s been done before, and it’s no less cringey this year than it was last year.

3. Do pre drink pre drink pre drink and then pre drink some more.

I’m not suggesting that you get so paralytic that you don’t actually make it onto campus or through the night, and if you do get to that stage, don’t quote me. I’m just trying to spare you the shame of dropping a tenner on campus for the not-so-sweet release of a watery Heineken. 

4. Please, please, please don’t lose your ticket.

And whatever you do, don’t lose your flatmate’s tickets too. If you do, you may be forced to do some unplanned and quite honestly frantic cardio on the afternoon of the ball (definitely not my finest hour, but it all worked out.)

5. Do be aware that there will be undercover Gardaí enjoying the night’s festivities.

I’ve heard that Two Door Cinema Club have a bizarrely large fanbase amongst An Garda Síochána.

6. Do clear the next day of all academic demands.

Don’t kid yourself by scheduling in 2000 words of that essay whose deadline is looming. If you manage to crunch any work out the next day, fair play to you you’re stronger than me. But don’t bank on it, because it’s pretty likely that the day is going to be filled with walks of shame, the crippling fear, chicken fillet rolls, a search for possessions, and rueful remorse.

7. Don’t bring anything with you that you’re not willing to lose.

Last year at 49th and Main my clutch was reefed from where it hung on my shoulder, never to be seen again. Luckily my phone was in my hand and the only other things I had brought were lipstick, chewing gum, and the necessary keys. If you happen to find yourself bagless at the end of the night, do go to ‘lost and found’ on campus the following Monday morning; there were plenty of keys there when I turned up hopefully last year (just none of them my own).

8. For the love of God, ladies, do bring a coat.

You deserve more than to freeze your beautiful tits off.

9. Do bring a disposable camera.

The film affords the chance to recreate the charm of the grainy, faded photos from T Ball days of old. But under no circumstances should you bring your actual film camera (arts block kids, I’m looking at you) it’s all too likely that it won’t come home. 

10. Don’t worry about getting separated from your friends.

The beauty of the night is that the next person you see is likely to be a friend of yours too. Accept getting separated, and spend the night with the friends that you find along the way (or the one night stand that you pick up in the techno tent, but I’ll leave that one up to you).

Having learned first hand the dos and don’ts of T Ball last year, I’m all ready to go for 2023. Now all I need is a ticket… (any leads on that front would be greatly appreciated I’ll pay good money).