TW: This article contains discussion of disordered eating that may be distressing for some readers.
On a dim Friday evening, in the back corner of a newly decorated pub, I ate a slice of birthday cake from an old cracked plate with my bare hands and nearly cried tears of joy. I enjoyed the cake, the smiles on my friends’ faces, and not having to count how many skipped meals I would have to pencil in to make up for this wonderful evening.
In the depths of disordered eating hell, food was something to be desired, but was a pleasure I had to earn. Every meal and each piece of bread was something to be accounted for and tracked. It was debated by this court system that was embedded in the forefront of my mind; and every single time it found me guilty for eating.
Even though I felt immense guilt for eating, I did not feel guilty for having sex (thank God!). I enjoyed having sex and feeling intimacy with myself and the person I was sharing that experience with. It felt nice to have someone enjoy my body as well. Feeling someone touch, kiss, and explore my body with me was such a grounding experience. Through different people, I was able to learn about and explore different desires, kinks, and dynamics.
Even though each situation was vastly different from the last, in no context was I put in the position of having to earn or do something to deserve my pleasure. Finally, there came a point where I enjoyed experiencing this connection with my body so deeply, that if I was going to continue living so freely, I had to give my body what it needed to continue to thrive. I still viewed food as pleasure, but pleasure was now something I had come to adore, I was not willing to give it up.
It started off small, like with any new partner, when you give missionary a shot before you bring out the candle wax. I started with a few safe foods, slowly adding in a new dish every week or two. With every orgasm I gave out, I started to feel less guilty for each meal I was putting in my body. There was such a freedom that came with exploring my body’s wants and needs, and I was no longer restricted by my arbitrary rules around food.
I enjoyed trusting someone to pleasure my body, and I enjoyed trusting the carbs to fuel my body. When I started eating, I began to feel so much better. I had never realised how bad my body felt before, and how deprived I was of energy. I thought I had enjoyed sex in the past, but being able to give and do more with my body was life-changing.
“Flavours became my friends, not an object of guilt”
The sex that I previously liked became sex I loved. One-hour sessions became much longer. Kinks became much more intense, and sensations became so much better. Meals were no longer something I had to fight, but something that I had started looking forward to. Flavours became my friends, not an object of guilt. My body started to heal and become more connected with the sensations I was experiencing.
The next step in my journey was to value how my body looked. Eating enough food after a period of starving your body will make you gain weight – which is an excellent thing! However, seeing weight gain on myself after I had tried so hard for years to limit it was a new experience. I did not like it at first. I did not like that my body was softer and fuller, but I had to decide whether I was willing to go back to the body I was used to, or continue with the body I had gotten to experience all of these great things with. I decided to continue to grow. Living indefinitely in a state where my body starved at my own hands meant giving up feeling good about myself, and all of the other pleasures I experienced from other aspects of my life. I decided that the benefits of weight gain much outweighed the drawbacks. This change was a good thing, and it was worth it.
In that moment, I chose to nourish my body; the one that I had grown, and the one that I had come to love. Gaining this acceptance was certainly not an overnight endeavour, but now I love looking down at thighs that can be held and a stomach that is beautiful and prominent even when my back is arched.
Sex did not heal me, but sex helped me fall in love with my body and the different ways pleasure can touch me. Food is a necessity and something that can be so thoroughly enjoyed.
So the lesson that has been learned: have your cake and your orgasms too. I expect my body to live a life of experience and pleasure, and I need to ensure she has the energy and nutrients to do so. I will not be ashamed of my food, my sex, and how much I enjoy both! I am so grateful for the freedom my sexuality has brought to me and the new light in which I am able to enjoy my body.
