All that glitters is not gold. Unfortunately, keeping in mind that they are paying for our college tuition, most parents do not shower us with expensive gifts, but rather socks, and books. Not to say that I’m complaining about either – both are great choices to get stuck into this year. To say nothing of a collective desire among Trinity students to lose our hearts in a new romance.
What romantic gifts shall we find? As it is a truth universally acknowledged that we will not find the matching sock, it is unlikely to find what we are looking for in the wash. It is also true that the socks we wear seldom provide a definitive statement about who we are – a nice thought for anyone who has ever found their stylistic choices to regrettably clash in the light of the day.
“The media we consume doesn’t always say anything other than what we like to waste our time doing. Still, books are more of a damning indictment because they require more sustained effort”
Books, to be unwrapped with the other hand, are mightier than socks as a statement of personality. Note that the following relate to heterosexual men because people of other genders can be trusted to have better taste in both categories. No man has ever claimed a polka dot motif as their personal style hero. If he’s really into wearing socks with the Nike insignia I doubt many would think less of him. If he is really into the works of Bret Easton Ellis, however, then we have a problem. The media we consume doesn’t always say anything other than what we like to waste our time doing. Still, books are a more damning indictment because they require more sustained effort.
Finding a suitable partner does not require rocket science. Obviously, the study of romance is far too complex for such a neurotic discipline. Questions like “Are we exclusive?” and “Do I actually want to be exclusive with you when you study BESS?” prevail in these foreboding times and seldom have a simple answer. Modern relationships are highly complex entities that necessitate extensive textual analysis. Reading the room, English majors can tell you if you should leave that room with the excuse that you have to go return some videotapes. This education is priceless.
If he doesn’t possess any books, beware. It is likely that he has burnt them all in a fire. Whether you are a practitioner of witchcraft or not, try and stay conscious of the possibility that he may throw you to the flames as well. Dating a man who likes to burn women is outdated, so try and resist the natural temptation to run towards the flames. Remember you are a woman, not a moth. Or if he is really hot, then try to remain at a distance so as not to let love consume you in its entirety. Opt instead for a light roast.
If on the other hand a man has many books with feminist titles or ideologies, these may have come from his past victims. Tread lightly with the man who knows Judith Butler, Simone de Beauvoir or other figures of the Second Wave who are quoted in vague and solicitous musings. They remind you of your second year course list for a reason. There is a strong possibility they have been extracted from a post-coital torture session.
Beware of men who are really into Kafka. In their eyes, you are a gigantic insect. Being squished is not a pleasant experience even if they are careful to do it with a gentle touch. It is equally infuriating to know that after they squish you they will wander off with bright eyes, clutching a crumpled napkin and scouring the corridors of Trinity for other bugs in need of squashing. It is enough to make you feel like you are not a woman but a moth.
Along the same lines, if his books are historical, be conscious that this may also nurse a dark past. World War II invokes the memory of love bombing. The Roman Empire indicates that they may be strangely into stabbings, poisonings and betrayal. Take the appropriate countermeasures and armour your heart. Poison his spice bag before he spoils your college experience. Prepare for the possibility that this could end in something really sinister, like ghosting you or sending a one word response in answer to your 2am Notes app poem.
A man may be self conscious that the books he reads are male manipulator books and ironically refer to his previous insufferable self that he has presumably left dead in an interior alley and/or ditch somewhere. You can respect the hustle without following him into an alleyway. Offer obscure words of advice to tearful women who may emerge. Pat yourself on the back for not falling into a ditch.
If he possesses colouring books, then he is a student in BESS. Tell him that you don’t believe in money and watch his eyes roll back like spare change. It may take him a while to calculate the perfect mansplain as a counterargument. In the meantime, you can colour with the crayons his mammy sent from home.
Never underestimate the importance of paratext. In a literary context this refers to overthinking about the novel’s cover or font choice. When it comes to overthinking people, pay close attention to what people choose to wear. Hawaiian and other brightly coloured shirts show a lack of respect for the Irish weather. Fake tans show a lack of respect for one’s sheets. More pretentious men typically have better taste in fashion, which is always nice should you be forced to resort to theft as a necessary climate safety measure. Still, do you really want to get with the kind of sadist who wears Docs through airport security?
“In 2024, we should judge potential friends and lovers based not on their looks, but on the looks of the books they are reading. Before diving into the covers, a simple look at their bookshelf will indicate whether they are a decent human, or even human”
In 2024, we should judge potential friends and lovers based not on their looks, but on the looks of the books they are reading. Before diving into the covers, a simple look at their bookshelf will indicate whether they are a decent human, or even human. If not, you should probably make up an excuse and return them to the Hamilton. Self respect may not sparkle. That said, the discovery is sometimes old, sometimes new and just as satisfying as finding the socks inexplicably lodged to the side of the dryer.
